Things not to say to a single person....

I am a serial single person, you know how there are serial monogamists? People that just jump from one relation to another? yeah well that's not me, in fact I am 100% opposite of that and I cant seem to get a relationship to save myself. If the fate of the world depended on me finding a mate, I am sorry world, I have now condemned you to death. My Bad. But like, being single isn't all that bad, it really has its merits. You never have yo wait to use the bathroom, you don't have to share a bed and you will have no one trying to steal your bacon at breakfast. If other single people are like me, they will know that they are single and as much as your comments are trying to help them, there are some things that we as single people (or me as a single person) are a bit fed up of hearing... so here they are

It will show up when you least expect it - Ok, well I stopped expecting it about the age of 13 when I realised that I was a bit different from the rest of the world. That was like 19 years ago, how much more least expecting could I get? This comes along the same thread as, it will be in the last place that you look. Well derp, once I have found it I am going to stop looking aren't I?

 You are so awesome, how are you single? - If I knew the answer to this question don't you think I would have done something about fixing it by now? I guess now is the time to tell you that my vagina actually has teeth, big sharp bitey ones and that's why guys never come back. But a relationship should be more than sex shouldn't it? I give mad gobbies (or so I thought but recent evidence may in fact be dispelling this rumour), and at least I can control the teeth in my mouth.

You've got plenty of time - this one has replaced "aren't you worried about having kids?" because now that my biological clock is ticking that one doesn't have so much relevance and instead they are trying to reassure me that its ok that I am single and I have many reproductive years ahead of me. Ha ha ha (insert maniacal laughter). I am 32 with one lazy ovary and one ovary that decides it wants to explode on every second cycle. I am your reproductive dream right here. Come and get em boys. I never wanted kids and I always said that from a young age but maybe I have started to change my mind and that ticking time that is my womb scares me now. 

I wish I were single - yeah really? I call bullshit. Unlike me you are not strong enough to deal with the constant struggle that is the single life. That going out and trying to talk to random people and all the pitying looks you get from your coupled friends. Its awesome. Couldn't sell it harder than that.

You are too picky - I have been lucky (or unlucky) enough to have felt real true love twice in my life. That all consuming you are my everything love and it happened the minute I first saw the person so why should I settle for anything less than that. Do you want me to have ugly short children? Sounds like you do by wishing me upon the first guy that I come across. I give guys a chance but I am also a slight believer in love at first sight.

Your time will come - thank you for your belief, may you please also read the rest of my future while you are at it. Specifically if I will ever manage to get a pair of Jordan 4s because I am so sick of lining up for that shit and always missing out. 

Guys are stupid - I would tend to agree with you sometimes but they are still pretty awesome as well. We always go back to them even though they infuriate us and they suck us in with the nice moments and forehead kisses. We will put up with their stupid antics all for the possibility of those things. They are stupid when they are ignoring us and not doing what we want but the minute the tables have turned and they give us even an inkling of attention they are the best thing since sliced bread (the warm kind straight from the bread maker) and our friends who were previously doubters are now planning our fairytale wedding. That one over there she is even taking a makeup course so she can do my wedding make up. 

So are you seeing anyone? - I understand that you want to take an interest and that's really nice but how about we just hold off and I will tell you when I have someone to tell you about. I am the queen of false starts, I get excited about a guy and have a great feeling about the future of things and then he forgets what my name is or that he even met me. I have a feeling that I jinx things with my excitement. I might need to wait until he likes it and puts a ring on it before telling people about my next fella. there are only so many weddings my friends can plan in their heads (as per the above comment).

He doesn't deserve you? - this normally comes after I have gotten to the bottom of the explanation of "are you seeing someone?' and then as all loving friends would do my friends point out why it isn't me, but in fact them and that I am too good for him. Did you realise that I am that good that I am actually too good for anyone? 

Don't Give Up - ha ha. yep ha ha. I am not planning on doing that any time soon but it is also ok to need to take a bit of a time out every now and again. This dating shit is exhausting and expensive. Keeping up appearances and shaving my legs "just in case". Golly. Tiring. 

You can get cats - Actually no you can keep saying this one, if you have cats that I am able to practice on, I am open to that as well because I actually really love cats. I have just made friends with the cat that lives downstairs. His name is Cashew and his owners name is Angus. I thought Angus was gay but he has a girlfriend and now he has a bright blue beard and its kind of weird even but Brunswick Spec.... but I digress. Yes I want Cats and Yes I will get cats. I am sure that cats and cocks can coexist  though so one doesn't need to cancel out the other. Who would like a guy that doesn't like animals anyway?

As you can see in most of these statements the onus is always put back on the male and they allude to the fact that the existence of my singledom rests squarely in their hands. Did we ever stop to think for even just one minute that I could be in fact the worlds biggest cunt whom the entire male population is scared of? I know that most days I wake up and think this exact thought. This is actually not being hard on myself (yes Jess I am really trying to be less hard on me I promise) but its trying to think outside the box. 

Lets not get this misconstrued as me not getting attention because that's not what it is, I get attention, a lot of attention from lots of different guys but I never get attention from the ones that I want, Does this mean that I am picky and have standards that are to high? there is certainly a possibility of that  and this is because I want everything and I am not willing to settle for just a something. Alas if this means that I am to be forever alone then so be it. My company isn't so bad after all. And really are guys that great anyway? I spend my time chasing them only to be disappointed, maybe cutting myself off from the world to avoid the disappointment isn't the worst decision I could make in my life? Unicorns aren't always what they are cracked up to be.... it turns out that they may just all be about the horn.  

Thanks for your pep talks peeps and I do appreciate what you are trying to do but maybe its time that we start calling a spade a spade. Just a thought.....

Love and Singleness 

Miss K

P.S It actually just hit me the comedy in the names that we have given to genitals. A girl has a pussy and a guy has a cock. And what do cats do to birds?  no wonder guys are scared of me, they are scared they are going to get eaten alive and left on their owners door steps. Fair bump play on lads.