More to Cum!

The other day a friend suggested that I should start a Vlog, like a blog but the main difference being instead of you guys having to read my words, you could look at my beautiful face while I spew them in your direction. I thought about it and decided that it would be a novel idea and that I should probably give it a go. So the other night I did, and let me tell you, recording myself is much harder than this writing stuff that I pretend to do, and add to that the fact that I had to put a face on, do my hair, change out of my white top I was wearing because I was disappearing in to the wall behind me and I actually had to think on my feet. It turned out not as badly as one would expect from ones first foray in to cinema (I know its surprising but I have never made back yard porn). So here it is, my first Vlog, its called "Semen Sharing"

But wait, there is more, I have realised on watching this back that there was so much on this topic that wasn't actually covered and I feel like it needs to be. To give you back ground on the story, a friend of mine (who alarmingly I have just realised does not have an alias and probably should) was saying the other night while we were out dining that he was under the impression that Australian girls did not like copping a load on them during the closing moments of Coitus and because he was programmed to think this, on encountering a European Princess instead of offending her, he got up and ran to the bathroom to finish himself off. While I laughed at his story, it left me with some (more) questions

Should I be taking it on my face? - I was of the illusion that anywhere below the neck is fine but on further investigations I am starting to think that maybe I am the one that is lacking here. 90% of women I have spoken to about this topic have said that in past, they have let their gentle fellows cum on their face and it was acceptable (As long as it wasn't in their eyes or in their hair). I find the whole idea incredibly disrespectful so have never let anyone near it... maybe I have been going about it wrong this whole time? maybe I am missing out on an amazing face mask and a great source of protein that is cheaper that pre-work out. I don't know that I will change my mind but I might at least think about it... maybe.

Does it Kill the mood? - the general consensus is yes it would, one minute you are having a grand ol' time and the next, old mate is up and trotting to the John. No doubt you are confused and possibly questioning if he ate a bad burrito for dinner. The same goes for you ladies, if he has deposited, don't get up and run straight to the bathroom to do the sit and cough (don't even pretend to not know what I am talking about). You are missing out on one of the nice bits (supposedly) of intimacy, The post coital glow and cuddling. So lets just get it straight, you need to lay there in your filth until a mutual agreeable time that you go to clean up, either by yourself or with you partner. There is nothing like that shared shower experience after all. I hope you realise that we are in a drought , its import to try and find ways to conserve water. 

But what about what I want? - maybe I am odd but I can see the appeal in being the receptacle for your significant others offerings. There is something sexy and dirty and hot about copping a load in your chosen area but in the past I have been with guys that have been unwilling to do that for me. From my experience (as limited in recent years as it is) if you say to a guy "cum where you like" 9 times out of 10 they are going to want to come inside you. Which is fine too but despite asking repeatedly to multiple partners I have been unable to get them to agree to play target practice with my chest and this issue perplexes me..... is it me? Is there something wrong with me? Its me isn't it?

I am going to sit here and start asking myself the hard questions, so then when the time comes for me to get freaky I will have the answers. And in case you were wondering, yes he did go back to cuddle.

Love and Second Cummings

Miss K

So I finally joined Tinder...

Yeah, I know, I know, by joining the Grind I go against everything that I wrote about in my previous post but hey, I thought that I might see if anyone was out there to light my fire (see what I did there) and I guess I was curious. We are three days deep in this adventure and it has been.... interesting. I didn't realise that I was such a judgmental arse hole (well maybe I did) but I have realised that going on Tinder is like shopping at the Op Shop, there is a lot of shit that you have to sift through in order to find that designer shirt bargain. Here are the reasons for swiping to the Left. 

Who Are You? - If I have to sift through five photos full of people I am going to give up. Which one are you? Why are you hiding with your #squad? Trying to show off that you have friends? I have friends as well, you aren't that special.

Likes: 420 - No shit, this is actually a thing. I see it every couple of profiles and it makes me wonder when getting high became cool? Look, I know a lot of my friends do it and that's fine, but I know them. I don't know you, for all I know you are the biggest bong head ever and will steal all my snacks. Ain't no body got time for snack stealing. 

No Blurb - Maybe this comes from the fact that I am a writer but Jesus cunts, take the 2 minutes to write a little something something about yourself. One dude wrote the Fresh Prince of Bel Air lyrics, Mass respect to that guy.

Negative Nancies - dude, you are on Tinder, I don't want a rant of what you don't want. I get enough nagging from my Nan. Your first impression isn't great.

Gym Mirror Selfies / Abs - no. Just no. Maybe its just because I am jealous that I don't have wash board abs and have not perfected the art of the mirror selfie but I don't know that I want to compete with your ego and protein pills. Though good for you for keeping in shape, I wish I had your dedication.

Not Chunky Enough - I like my men like I like my Salsas. Chunky (and red?). I am attracted to the big burly wood chopper lads and if you are a skinny mini you probably arent for me. I will admit that in my real life, I have crushed on the non Chunky but thats because I can be attracted to their aura. Or something. 

No Picture - because I like building relationships on hopes and dreams as well. 

Posing on Luxury Cars - I know this one might be a bit left of field because I am a "car girl" but I am not impressed by your toys (and secretly I think that maybe you just saw it on the road and got your mate to take a photo of it while no one was looking). Same goes with if you have heaps of photos of your car / motorbike / boat. Yeah I get you have interests and hobbies, but I am more interested in you that whats you drive. 

Yo, it would appear that Beyone was on to something  when she sung To the Left, To the Left. So many guys, to the left. And incase you were wondering, its going ok, everyone I swipe right to has generally swiped right to me already. Started a few conversations, deleted a few people because they were flogs, said yes to meeting a guy for a drink... making progress (I hope I have made you proud Katrina). Though dudes, I know I am good looking but clearly not good enough looking to be a Bot Sex Scammer so its ok to say hello first because I'm running out of amazing opening liners (9/10 times I have made the first move) 

Love and Lefting 

Miss K

Holiday Questions

Finally, FINALLY I have a job that closes over Christmas and let me tell you, it has been glorious, all that time off for activities and sleeping. Not having to go about the daily Grind of Tram Life, Glorious I tell you. I spent the first two weeks of my Holidays visiting family in Perth and was run off my feet visiting a few people every day so now I have come back to Melbourne and am engaging in some down time, and along with that there has been some Holiday thoughts. 

What day is it? no, really, what day is it? - Thankfully I take the pill and yesterday it told me that it was Thursday. Good Guy Contraception 

Where am I? - and while I am at it, what time zone am I in? oh its 1 o'clock in the afternoon, I should probably wake up, even though technically I am still on WA time so its only 10am and that's a totally acceptable time to sleep to. Don't Judge Me. 

Do I really need to put on underwear to go to the Supermarket? - heck, why am I even asking this question, I live in Brunswick and pretty much anything goes, I think I have washed in the last few days and I don't look like I got my clothes from the bin so I am kicking goals already. No Underwear it is.

Hmm, how much water have you drunk today? - I know you have only been awake for two hours our of the last 24 but I think you need to up your water intake, your pee is starting to turn fluro. 

Is this the same show I saw this morning on the cooking channel - yes it is, probably means you should change the channel or go to bed. You already know how to cook those amazing fish tacos that were aired today. Yes, I know fish tacos are delicious. GO TO BED. 

When was the last time I had a shower / washed my hair / left the house - if you have to ask these questions, the answer is probably too long ago. I am pretty sure I showered yesterday though. I totally don't smell, I just checked. 

I'm Bored, I think I might join Tinder - and so far it has been everything that I thought it was going to be, I haven't got a dick pic yet but I got a fully erotic story, but just a word of the wise, its very hard to be turned on by someone that doesn't know the difference between there, their and they're. You took the time to write the prose, maybe take the time to get your spelling and grammar correct. 

God this book is terrible - but I am 80% of the way through and even though I know it is going to have a happy ending and they are going to end up together forever this one may surprise me so I better keep reading just in case. 

Its 11am and I have just gotten up, is it OK to drink the Cider in the fridge - I think that I am a bit lost for direction, I don't have anything to do so I may as well get drunk. Why not, YOLO, etc etc. 

Maybe its a good thing that I am going back to work on Monday, my liver and my personal hygiene might suffer if I am holidays for any longer. 

Love and Lounging 

Miss K

Encounters of the Underwear Kind

The Event: Saint Patricks Day Circa 2002
The Outfit: Low Cut Black Top and Wide Leg Light Denim Jeans (hey don't judge, it was the early 2000s after all)
The Under Garment: A Pink Tshirt Bra with Blow Up Insert ala Chicken Fillet Style
The Disaster Story: I know it might be hard to believe but I was not always rocking the ample cleavage that I am now, I was a little bit of a late bloomer when it came to the Boob department so back in the day I needed all the help that I could get. At the time we were hanging out with this rad group of guys who we had randomly met on a night out (Translated, my mate hooked up with one of them and then they started fucking***) and as St Paddys day was upon us we decided to go on an impromptu adventure with them. We ended up at a Bar somewhere (I think possibly around the Joondalup Region) and as slutty little 18 year olds do, a gentleman showed me his attention and then we were making out. All innocent and the like. And this would have been ok, until he decided that he wanted to go for a grope. In my head I am all panic stations, as he was running his hands up by waist, getting closer and closer to the little plastic bags of air that were sitting on my chest. I needed an escape route, AND FAST!!!! Sure he was drunk, but even a drunky would hear the plastic bag rustling noise that would emit from my region in about 7 seconds.
The Course of Action: I would say that I am not proud of what happened next but I think that's probably a lie, I was thinking on my feet and it worked... I did the pretend, "I'm going to spew" snuck off to the bathroom and then out the front door to wait for my friends to finish their drinks. Sure I could have just told the guy that I wasn't interested in his advances but Hind Sight is a beautiful thing isn't it. That was the last time that I ever wore that Bra as well, I have realised that its better to be boobless than run the risk of people thinking that you stuff your bras with plastic shopping bags. I am all for saving the environment and recycling but I think this is taking it a bit far.  

The Event: The Rabbitohs Visiting Perth to play Rugby June 2011
The Outfit: White Low Cut Backless Top which I borrowed from Rhychelle, dark high waisted Skinny Jeans
The Under Garment: Skin Coloured, Silicone Nipple Covers
The Disaster Story: The Rabbitohs were in Perth playing some team (does WA even have a Rugby Team?) and somehow we ended up going to an after party with the team. I got drunk and tried to set my friend up with one of the players (who muttered to her "Its not that big, honest" and something about a Poweraid bottle) and after a few hours of frivolity we decided to head home, after our traditional shared Kebab of course. On arrival home, I set her up on couch bed and then went to get changed. I was admiring my svelte figure in the mirror whilst removing my top and then I noticed that something was wrong.... 
The Course of Action: I sat on my bed and cried, really there was nothing else that I could do, during the course of my night, unbeknownest to me, someone had stolen my nipples and now I was going to have to live my life as a nippleless freak of nature. There was a good 15 minutes of panic before I realised that I was still wearing my covers.... HALLELUJAH, two quick peels and I was back to my awesome booby best. I stuck the covers on the mirror above my bed as a constant reminder to that night. The night that was nearly RIP Nipple. 

The Event: Boom Christmas Party 2011
The Outfit: Fancy Black Dress from Myer that had been purchased n Melbourne
The Under Garment: Black Halter Neck Push Up Bra, biggest Bridget Jones Underpants that you have ever seen
The Disaster Story: Christmas is a time for eating, drinking and being Merry and possibly drunkenly hooking up with people that you work with, its a right of passage. We went to a classy sea side establishment so of course one had to dress up. I had just returned from 3 weeks over seas and my holiday kilos were doing me no favours so it was time to give old mate Spanx a night out as well. Queue drunken adventures, walking for miles in designer high heels and a taxi to a house to party on... and before I knew what was happening it was far to late to dispose of my offending Bridget Jones knickers.
The Course Of Action: It pretty much went down just like in the Movie, he had kindly lent me a shirt to sleep in (because some part of the drunken me had decided that was all that was going to happen) and after a bit of kissing and cuddling, he lifted the shirt to reveal the biggest underpants known to man. I think it was actually over shadowed by the fact that I was due for a wax, so I guess we can thank god for the small mercies. Why be embarrassed about one thing when you can be embarrassed by two. He laughed, I laughed, then I made him take me out on a few dates, just to live down my humiliation.

On a side note, Spanx are amazing, I rate them highly and so does Gok (and who doesn't love Gok) but there is a whole heap of disaster getting laid stories that are associated with them. You know that you are probably going to get laid and that your Spanx helped in this situation by making you slim and beautiful, but oh how quickly we are to abandon them when push comes to shove. Its ok that you wear them and we all know that everyone does but you don't want HIM to know that you are wearing them. I am sure that I am not the only one that has taken them off and abandoned them in some toilet or behind some door (because there is no way those giant pants are going to fit in your tiny little going out purse). We say we will go back for them, but realistically we all know that we wont. They served us well, but this is no Black Hawk Down Mission and those fuckers are just being racked up as Collateral damage. It happens. 

The Event: New Years Eve 15/16
The Outfit:  Black Backless Casual Dress
The Under Garment: Skin Coloured Stick on Bra Cups
The Disaster Story:  As you will remember from my last blog post I mentioned that the likelihood of a New Years Kiss was about as plausible as that of the moon landing. Well, it turns out that by putting that comment out into the Universe, the Universe conspired to prove me wrong. Queue stunningly drop dead gorgeous guy that is so far out of my league that I am actually convinced that we aren't even playing the same sport... A Sneaky new years kiss turned into the need for a jumper to fight the night time chill and the rest is history. Or it would have been if I hadn't been faced with the Dilemma of what to do with my Stick on Bra. What should I do? Pull it off before he had a chance to see it and hide it somewhere for later retrieval? tell him that I am a mutant and actually don't have nipples so the skin coloured things he is seeing is actually part of my body? Admit that I am wearing a stick on Bra and let us laugh about it? 
The Course of Action: I turned it in to a joke, hey look, I am wearing this really really unattractive stick on Bra so that my weird nipples aren't showing to the world. Isn't it weird. Yeah ok, you can peel it off if you like and then examine it while I am waiting half naked in a state of pure mortification. No worries mate. And then when we are done I am going to subtly sneak back in to the party with my stick on bra hiding inside the jumper that caused for the removal of offending item in the first place and hide it in my bag and hope that no one notices that I am now free boobing. I actually think that I may have jinxed myself, I had been joking to my friend that if they were to fall off while we were out, we were to pretend that they weren't mine and just keep walking like it never happened. We didn't really come up with a contingency plan on what to do if a hot man approached me... 

I guess I have come to realise that the least prepared you are, the more likely you are for people to see your under garments... that's just Science, or fate or something else that I cant remember the name for at this exact point in time. And yeah ladies I know that underwear can be annoying and probably the most appropriate underwear for the garment may not be the most comfortable but for the love of all things holy, please, please, please wear the best choice. Sure you may get laid later on and it may get awkward but think of the hilarious stories that you will be able to tell your kids later in life.

Love and Lingerie

Miss K 

*** not that this portion of the story has anything to do with Underwear but the story of these two people is actually pretty cool. We were at the Craic (now Bar 120) like we were most nights in our teens and my friend met this guy called Leighton. He wrote his number on a piece of paper and gave it to her so she could call him. I don't know why but for some reason she gave it to me to look after, she knew me, she should have known this was a bad idea, anyway I lost the bit of paper but she managed to remember the number enough to get in contact with him. They started dating, we got accepted in to their fold and what followed was about 6 - 12 months of awesome friendship and adventures. Its funny how life works out sometimes isn't it.
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