Things I have learnt...

I have been wandering this earth for a while and in that time I think I have picked up some things. Here are some things that I have learnt that you might find helpful to know...

  • They will only sell freenut butter (nut free peanut butter... cause that's a thing) in the Nut shop at your local supermarket so you will have to stand outside like a Teenager at the bottle shop asking someone to buy it for you, 

  • No matter how much you wish they would, a leopard never changes it spots. Its OK to move on... 
  • You will sleep better on fresh sheet night, because there is nothing better in the world than that tight tucked, fresh sheet feeling 
  • You are the most important person in your existence, You need to look after you and be happy with you before you can ever possibly be happy around anyone else. That isn't selfishness, that is necessity 
  • When you finally get up the courage to poop in a public toilet, the lady will come in to clean it while you are mid business. Sorry is pretty much the only thing you can say in these circumstances... sorry or maybe the awkward cough to announce your presence.  

  • Your friends are your friends for a reason, listen to what they have to say, even if you don't like it and even if you don't choose to take their advice straight away. They have your back, otherwise why would they be around? 
  • If you have a combined toilet / laundry / bathroom, always ALWAYS close the lid on the toilet. Not to protect you from the toilet germs and poo particles but because stuff will fall in there. Probably stuff that you want that you will have to go fishing out.
  • The worst public toilets will always be visited after leg day. You will have two options 1. get all manner of aids and STDs from sitting on the toilet seat or 2. live the nightmare that is doing the hover with the incredible burning pain in your trembling thighs. 
  • Some things in life just wont work, it doesn't matter how much time and effort you put into it, it just was never meant to be. And that's OK, take the lessons you have learnt and move forward.
  • The tram will never run on time, use the toilet before you leave work. Doing the odd trot down the road while keeping your legs closed so you don't wet yourself is never a good look. 
  • You should never apologise for your feelings, if its gotten to that stage, apologising wont make any difference, it will just make you feel shit about yourself . 
  • Drinking around adults and ordering adult things (like entrees and wine) will make you feel like you are a pretend adult no matter how old you get. I shouldn't be ordering wine, olives and panacotta, I am just a child, it was only yesterday that you had to wipe my bum. 

  • Its not always your fault (but hey you aren't totally an angel here either) so don't let anyone convince you otherwise. It doesn't matter how much of a cunt you are, it always takes two to tango. 
  • Those eye-liner and make-up tutorials are lies. You cant do it at home and its not that easy. So basically the Internet is full of lies and deception. 
  • Men will always pay you more attention when you haven't shaved your legs or washed your hair in a few days.... if ever there is a reason to let yourself lapse, there it is

Yeah, I think that is a pretty good start. All these lessons have been hard learnt and your life is really put into perspective when you are up to your elbow in toilet water. And yes I know that it appears that most of my life lessons are learnt in the act of bodily functions but as they say, it doesn't matter how you get there, as long as you get there in the end. Here is also another solid gem of advice, the internet told my that Kayne Loves Himself West said it (apparently) and while he is a douche canoe he may be on to something here "Someone will always be smarter, someone will always be prettier and someone will always be richer, but no one will ever be you." 

Just a thought anyway 

Love and Learning 

Miss K 

Why your beauty people are the best people you will ever meet... Ever.

When I was younger I had a shy vagina, not in the way that I kept it locked away in a castle for some fair prince to climb into and set it free but in the way that I was too worried to go to any one waxer more than once. See I strangely had it in my head that they would get to know me too well and then if I saw them in the street it would be awkward. My Vagina should be a thing of great reverence and be appreciated and treated as such. Maybe I never wanted to go back to the same person because I hadn't found my "one" yet, so just as in romance, so is in beauty therapy, once you find your one your life is instantly changed. Here are some reasons why meeting your "one" does great things for your life and why in fact they are the best person you will ever have in your life. 

You Develop Trust - I don't think it will come to a surprise to anyone, but I have trust issues. I don't let people close to me and even when they do get close, there is still some walls that they need to jump over. With your beauty technicians there needs to be full trust and full disclosure. You are trusting them with the most important parts of your bodies, your heads and your gardens. The boundaries tend to fall away when you are laying on the table, legs askew while waiting for your lawns to be tended.

Their whole aim in life is to make people beautiful - that's a very selfless thing to do and normally it comes at the detriment to themselves and their beauty. They are rushed off their feet all day, they are covered in wax and hair dye and all manners of other guck and they don't complain. All they want is for you to leave them and be confident and happy. When was the last time you did something so selfless for someone else? 

They are cheaper than a counsellor - they ask about your life and they seem to care about what is going on in it (It may just be all pretend and being used to pass time until they are done and you have your pants back on but I will take that anyway). One of the first appointments I had with my amazing beautician involved me bawling my eyes out and her giving me a hug. That meant a lot and it was exactly what I needed at the time. They are there for you in all your life's ups and downs and they celebrate and condole with you. 

They will do wonders for your confidence -  if you feel good, you look good. There is a certain radiance to you when you have done something for yourself and you walk with a bit more pep in your step. After a hair cut and colour I fully believe that you can take over the world and really we all know that there is nothing better than that fresh hair smell. And when it comes to your lady parts, it pays to be prepared... and you feel amazing for it. 

It can be for the long term - I went to the same hair dresser for 29 years and have been seeing the same waxer for three years, that pretty much constitutes them as long term relationships. I haven't really had much else to note in the relationship department in the way of commitments but sticking with these guys has shown me that I actually do have it in me .

They can do things that I cant - The idea of slathering my genitals in hot wax and then ripping it off again fills me with the fear of a snowman on a hot day, but getting someone else to do it makes it not so bad. Like wise I can never get my hair to curl or sit as nicely as the hair dresser does when I go to visit her. This is why we pay them, they have these skills that I am lacking and can do things that I am not able to do. Like I said, good people.

They take away the stress - finding a new beauty professional is by far the most stressful thing you can do in you life, apparently moving house is right up there but I think that this one tops it. You are trusting your health, well being and boneability to someone that you have never met before, that's a pretty big deal. I think the reason that I saw the same hair dresser for as long as I did was because when I was small she promised me that she wouldn't cut off my ears... I haven't received that guarantee from anyone else so every time I go to get my hair done I run the risk.... I am just not comfortable living my life on the edge.

With them, your modesty is in check - I used to shop around from waxer to waxer so slowly but surely the whole population of the earth was seemingly seeing my bits. By finding my one, I removed my garden from the table and now I am a better person for it. There isn't those first time jitters or the getting to know you conversations that is all fluff and fairy floss. With your one its straight into the nitty gritty and 20 minutes in never actually long enough. 

They Have a Calming Nature - I think this one ties into the trust thing, at the hands of a good beauty professional you will feel calm and looked after. Its like that cup of tea and classical music, but for your appearance. 

In the last few months I have been a bit unlucky, my amazing hair dresser went off to pop out a kid and my even more amazing waxer has moved to Queensland. I know that the world is not all about me but, I will admit that I am pretty annoyed at them. What am I meant to do without them?????!!!! I have to start the whole process of opening up again and get someone to guarantee to look after me and not cut of my ears... that shit is tiring.  So kids I implore you, if you have a "One" make sure you give them the thanks that they deserve. They have a job that can be pretty unpleasant and they do it just for you. Despina and Louise, I salute you, I honestly haven't been as beautiful since you have been gone. 

Love and Beauty 

Miss K 
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