Oh, so you've made a baby?

I have just rolled in to the age where everyone is starting to spawn offspring. My news feed is full of babies and soon to be babies and look what my baby did. This is awesome, I am really happy for all my friends that they are getting these precious gifts in their lives. While I admit that to a  bystander sometimes it may not come across that way, anyone that actually knows me well knows that I am supportive. A close friend announced to me last week that she was with child and in my dealings with her since then I have realised that pregnancy is hilarious and there are some things that maybe shouldn’t be said to someone that is expecting. And you bet your bottom dollar that I have probably said all of them. Let me be a lesson to you, maybe don't say these things

"Ummm Congratulations?" - I know I am well within the age of voluntary conception but in my mind we still aren't really grown ups and are just playing pretend. If you aren't married I'm probably going to be confused if being pregnant is a good thing or a bad thing. I know that is a very old fashioned view but hey maybe I am an old fashioned girl. Congratulations is a good thing to say, but when you put the "ummm" in front of it, it kinda makes you look like an arsehole. 

"Pregnant People Freak me out!" - while this one is 100% truthful its probably not considered polite to tell people that they freak you out because they are now pregnant. They might get offended. Essentially they are the same person, now they just come with a plus one. Maybe I should start thinking of the baby like that friends boyfriend that I don't actually like, just pretend he isn't there and go about my business. Yeah that could work. My hair dresser is pregnant and when she was cutting my hair the other day it was touching me and it was kind of freaking me out, but rule number 1 of haircuts is you have to sit still so even though it was scary I just sat through it like a trooper 

"If your baby is ugly, do you want me to tell you?" - When I asked this question the answer was a big resounding NO. She has decided that she would like to live her life under the delusion that her kid is good looking. And to her I am sure that it will be. While chatting to a friend about this the other day I was told how to get around it, if the kid is an ugo, comment on its outfit. Simple. 

"They are going to put their hand up there, its kinda like you are getting fisted" - I did really well in upper school health, like I got an award and stuff and in these classes we learnt about birthing babies (maybe because I went to a school in a lower socioeconomic area they thought it was going to be our destiny sooner rather than later). To check if the baby is ready to come out they put their hands up there, probably more hand than you have ever had before. Apparently by this time you don't really care and you just want it all to be over. So whoooo high five for fisting 

"You have something growing in you" - Even writing this one I shudder, there is something growing inside you. A PERSON IS GROWING INSIDE YOUR BELLY!!!!!!!!!!!! clearly the thought of this terrifies me and if it doesn't terrify you I think you might be choosing to ignore the simple facts. Maybe me saying it gives them a chance to really think about it and be adequately as freaked out as I am. 

"You are probably going to poop" -  This is only a recent thing that I have learnt about but during the act of labouring you may be pushing so hard that you do a poop. I don't blame you I guess. You are trying to shove a watermelon out a lemon and there is bound to be some pressure. Its ok if you do though, they don't make a big deal of it, they just rush in and whisk away the little poop baby and dispose of it and you are none the wiser. I wonder how they go about doing the wiping though? 

"Oh I will eat that for you" - Cause you know like pregnant people aren't actually able to eat anything, cheese, meat, ice cream, anything fun. I don't want you to miss out in your current state so I will eat it and then tell you in blow by blow detail about how amazing what I am consuming is. I am just that kind of friend. You will thank me later. 

"You better not give your kid a retarded name" - Thankfully above friend has a  name that isn't pick off the shelf so she is probably less likely to saddle her child with an anchor of a name. When I did make this comment to her, her response was "thanks for doubting me bitch". But that's just me, keeping it real yo! I know you want your special little angel to stand out but buy them some cool sneakers, or make them constantly wear skivvies so the kids tease them. Don't enslave them to a life of never having a hair brush with their name on it or having to spell their name to EVERYONE that they meet. Don't be that guy. 

Despite all of this I am actually so excited for my friend and I am excited to be part of the little pretzels life when it finally busts its way out of its mummies tummy alien spec. I have already decided what kind of kicks I am going to get her (I have also decided that its a her) and I am going to be the coolest Auntie that ever was. I will it teach her all the swearing and the way to ensnare men and have the confidence of an Amazonian goddess (though chances are she is going to be vertically challenged and not Amazonian at all). I am sure one day I will embrace everything that the pregnant life brings but until then, expect me to put my foot in my mouth (my non swollen water retented feet that is, cause you probably have those too).

Love and Labouring 

Miss K