A Crisis of Self

As so many of my stories seem to begin, this one is much the same, and it starts like this...

So, there was this guy. This guy was different to any other guy that I had met. Sometimes in life you meet people who blind side you, you are going about your daily business and then BANG you run head long into a force of nature and your whole axis shift. Thankfully in my life it hasn’t happened to many times but recently it did and I have been rattled and floored by it. This person saw through the mask I have chosen to wear and has challenged me to question everything about myself and the place that I have created in the world. He made me angry (and the feeling was very mutual) but beyond that he made me care for the first time in a long time. 

In a week, a whirl wind ripped through my life. I wanted full disclosure, I wanted to be seen for everything that I was and not everything that I pretended to be. I wanted to say “This is me, these are my flaws. Please, see the good in me”. Never before has a person and their opinion mattered so much and I cant figure out why. In reality on the grand scheme of things this person, is a nothing. Someone I probably wont remember in 5 years time so if that is the case, why did he have such an effect on me? I have been asking myself this question every minute of every day since he smashed down my walls. 

So, the strong reaction? Is it because I simply don’t like the fact that people don’t like me, or is it because I am not happy with the person who I created and now I don’t know how to get out of? He pointed something out to me that I had been trying to ignore for a long time. He pointed out that I was a fake and a floosy and not someone with substance. I have created a contradiction really. To the outside world I am a hyper sexualised, loud and in your face person but in the real me I feel about as far from that is probably humanly possible. 

Three years ago, I moved states, I gave myself an opportunity in life to create a new person. I could have been any body that I wanted to be, I could have dressed differently, I could have put on an accent, I could have done anything that I put my mind to but Instead I chose to fall back on the tried and true facade that I have been using for years and for the first time in my life  (or the first time that anyone was willing to tell me) some body pointed out that wasn't a good thing. By creating this person I have allowed myself to control my interactions with the people around me, being this person pushes people away. I always though that if people are adversely affected by me they are not people that I want in my life anyway so It kinda weeded out the the muck but in reality that's probably not the case. All I am doing is cutting myself off from the world and making people view me in a way that I am not. I guess I always thought that if I am a strong person on the outside no one will see that underneath I am scared and small and don't really have it all together. 

In reality this personality is a security blanket. I have long been of the opinion that humans are actually bubbles and our outside actions are what can either bring people to our bubbles or keep them out of them. At 32 maybe its time to have a look at the bubble that I have created and start dropping the bullshit. I don't want the world to view me as a fiend (for want of a better word), I want people to see the happy, giving, caring person that is under neither all that sexy exterior, I want the world to see the person that those close to me see, Taking the cheap laugh of overt sexuality has always been my fall back and maybe its time to stop that. I don't always need to be the centre of attention, because the attention that I am bringing on myself isn't exactly positive. Sure my stories are funny, but isn't respect more important that humour? 

I read a quote the other day by Mae West and she said "I wrote the story myself. Its about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it". I want to be like Mae West. I think this is always going to be a part of my personality because it is a part of me but I am going to try to make the scales a little more even. People shouldn't have to chip through the shit to get the gold. I don't know how I am going to go because it takes a while to break ingrained habits but I am using this as accountability. I want to be better... and that starts now 

Love and Lessons 

Miss K 

I am worth your attention and from now on it will be for the right reasons

 P.S Thanks to that unnamed guy, I don't know how it took someone 10 years to break the shit storm that I created for myself but you constantly making me question everything about me made me realise that I am worth more than the person I created.