So it appears at the start of the year I embarked on a spiritual journey, or at least that's what I am going to call it in and effort to make my situation appear less dire. My name is Kerry and it has been 11 months and 4 days since I had a sex. I am now in the longest drought of my sexual history and let me tell you, that's a strange feeling or phenomenon for someone that could have rightfully been called a slut in her younger days.
But in the essence of truthful story telling, the year didn't start like that. I kicked off the year with some sex. I was thinking, wow this is brilliant, busting a nut in to the new year and starting off right, amazingly great sex with a guy that is so sexy that when he took his shirt off, I exclaimed "oh, get fucked" out loud. This was going to be an indication of the year to come. YES!!!!!! I was going to find my Mojo again and start slaying.... Ha. Ha. Lets all laugh at this one together, how wrong could I have been.
To be fair though, for the first couple of months I wasn't really interested, coming out of a pretty fucked up relationship meant that I was closed for business. I think I may have even stopped masturbating (Sorry for the drop in Battery sales Bunnings, don't worry though, I poured all that money in to the Sausage Sizzle out the front, so you still had my loyal patronage) and then this dude came along and I was like, yeah this could be a goer, we went on a couple of dates, my Vagina woke up and then he disappeared (and really I still have no bloody idea why, I am sure I will get to the bottom of it one day), but in his wake was a woken dragon with a thirst that needed quenching. So here it is, this is a year without sex...
A year without sex is: meeting a guy and flirting with him and then making an emergency trip to the waxer, you know, just in case
A year without sex is: Keeping on getting waxed because you are still talking and flirting and maybe its going to happen soon
A year without sex is: "it" not happening ( well clearly, because otherwise this Blog wouldn't need to be written)
A year without sex is: going on Tinder, not because you want random sex but because you might find a relationship that would enable you to do the sex
A year without sex is: buying new lingerie to show "That Guy" just because he might be interested
A year without sex is: buying MORE lingerie because it turns out that he doesn't like red.
A year without sex is: wondering if I actually find someone attractive or is it just their beard that I am attracted to
A year without sex is: saying no to three separate guys whilst holding out for a guy that you think is special because you don't want to risk jeopardising it (hey guys, that guy appears to be a full stop no go, so like get back in contact with me, or something...)
A year without sex is: having no one believe that YOU, of all people, cant get laid
A year without sex is: wondering what the heck is wrong with me and if I may actually be a hideous swamp donkey
A year without sex is: thinking that maybe I should lower my standards, because sex can just be sex right? And we are now at the stage that beggars probably shouldn't be choosers
A year without sex is: every man and his dog trying to set you up (shout out to Heathy... I know how hard you have been trying. It will happen one day and when it does, you will be the first one to know)
A year without sex is: your doctor making a joke when you go to refill your pill prescription, because you live in hope and he is sure that it will happen for you one day.
So that's what the Drought is all about, I get that there are water restrictions but this shit is just out of control. Maybe I might take a new tact next year, plant some drought resistant plants and see if I have more success.
Love and Not Getting any Loving
Miss K
N.B Shout out to that guy, he wins hands down for best sex I have had all year. And yes, technically its the only sex that I have had all year but I feel like he deserves a special mention
N.B V2 Giant thanks for everyone who suggested names for this blog. Seriously I spent the whole of last night laughing. There were some very creative suggestions. My personal favourites are listed below
Debbie Does No One
50 Shades of Fuck All
The Sad Beaver
Forever Unboned
Dried up and Crusty - A users Guide
A Goodyear (from my Aunty Heather.. she always provides the Lols)
FIngerbang - No dick for Days
N.B V2 Giant thanks for everyone who suggested names for this blog. Seriously I spent the whole of last night laughing. There were some very creative suggestions. My personal favourites are listed below
Debbie Does No One
50 Shades of Fuck All
The Sad Beaver
Forever Unboned
Dried up and Crusty - A users Guide
A Goodyear (from my Aunty Heather.. she always provides the Lols)
FIngerbang - No dick for Days