The Event: Saint Patricks Day Circa 2002
The Outfit: Low Cut Black Top and Wide Leg Light Denim Jeans (hey don't judge, it was the early 2000s after all)
The Under Garment: A Pink Tshirt Bra with Blow Up Insert ala Chicken Fillet Style
The Disaster Story: I know it might be hard to believe but I was not always rocking the ample cleavage that I am now, I was a little bit of a late bloomer when it came to the Boob department so back in the day I needed all the help that I could get. At the time we were hanging out with this rad group of guys who we had randomly met on a night out (Translated, my mate hooked up with one of them and then they started fucking***) and as St Paddys day was upon us we decided to go on an impromptu adventure with them. We ended up at a Bar somewhere (I think possibly around the Joondalup Region) and as slutty little 18 year olds do, a gentleman showed me his attention and then we were making out. All innocent and the like. And this would have been ok, until he decided that he wanted to go for a grope. In my head I am all panic stations, as he was running his hands up by waist, getting closer and closer to the little plastic bags of air that were sitting on my chest. I needed an escape route, AND FAST!!!! Sure he was drunk, but even a drunky would hear the plastic bag rustling noise that would emit from my region in about 7 seconds.
The Course of Action: I would say that I am not proud of what happened next but I think that's probably a lie, I was thinking on my feet and it worked... I did the pretend, "I'm going to spew" snuck off to the bathroom and then out the front door to wait for my friends to finish their drinks. Sure I could have just told the guy that I wasn't interested in his advances but Hind Sight is a beautiful thing isn't it. That was the last time that I ever wore that Bra as well, I have realised that its better to be boobless than run the risk of people thinking that you stuff your bras with plastic shopping bags. I am all for saving the environment and recycling but I think this is taking it a bit far.
The Event: The Rabbitohs Visiting Perth to play Rugby June 2011
The Outfit: White Low Cut Backless Top which I borrowed from Rhychelle, dark high waisted Skinny Jeans
The Under Garment: Skin Coloured, Silicone Nipple Covers
The Disaster Story: The Rabbitohs were in Perth playing some team (does WA even have a Rugby Team?) and somehow we ended up going to an after party with the team. I got drunk and tried to set my friend up with one of the players (who muttered to her "Its not that big, honest" and something about a Poweraid bottle) and after a few hours of frivolity we decided to head home, after our traditional shared Kebab of course. On arrival home, I set her up on couch bed and then went to get changed. I was admiring my svelte figure in the mirror whilst removing my top and then I noticed that something was wrong....
The Course of Action: I sat on my bed and cried, really there was nothing else that I could do, during the course of my night, unbeknownest to me, someone had stolen my nipples and now I was going to have to live my life as a nippleless freak of nature. There was a good 15 minutes of panic before I realised that I was still wearing my covers.... HALLELUJAH, two quick peels and I was back to my awesome booby best. I stuck the covers on the mirror above my bed as a constant reminder to that night. The night that was nearly RIP Nipple.
The Event: Boom Christmas Party 2011
The Outfit: Fancy Black Dress from Myer that had been purchased n Melbourne
The Under Garment: Black Halter Neck Push Up Bra, biggest Bridget Jones Underpants that you have ever seen
The Disaster Story: Christmas is a time for eating, drinking and being Merry and possibly drunkenly hooking up with people that you work with, its a right of passage. We went to a classy sea side establishment so of course one had to dress up. I had just returned from 3 weeks over seas and my holiday kilos were doing me no favours so it was time to give old mate Spanx a night out as well. Queue drunken adventures, walking for miles in designer high heels and a taxi to a house to party on... and before I knew what was happening it was far to late to dispose of my offending Bridget Jones knickers.
The Course Of Action: It pretty much went down just like in the Movie, he had kindly lent me a shirt to sleep in (because some part of the drunken me had decided that was all that was going to happen) and after a bit of kissing and cuddling, he lifted the shirt to reveal the biggest underpants known to man. I think it was actually over shadowed by the fact that I was due for a wax, so I guess we can thank god for the small mercies. Why be embarrassed about one thing when you can be embarrassed by two. He laughed, I laughed, then I made him take me out on a few dates, just to live down my humiliation.
On a side note, Spanx are amazing, I rate them highly and so does Gok (and who doesn't love Gok) but there is a whole heap of disaster getting laid stories that are associated with them. You know that you are probably going to get laid and that your Spanx helped in this situation by making you slim and beautiful, but oh how quickly we are to abandon them when push comes to shove. Its ok that you wear them and we all know that everyone does but you don't want HIM to know that you are wearing them. I am sure that I am not the only one that has taken them off and abandoned them in some toilet or behind some door (because there is no way those giant pants are going to fit in your tiny little going out purse). We say we will go back for them, but realistically we all know that we wont. They served us well, but this is no Black Hawk Down Mission and those fuckers are just being racked up as Collateral damage. It happens.
The Event: New Years Eve 15/16
The Outfit: Black Backless Casual Dress
The Under Garment: Skin Coloured Stick on Bra Cups
The Disaster Story: As you will remember from my last blog post I mentioned that the likelihood of a New Years Kiss was about as plausible as that of the moon landing. Well, it turns out that by putting that comment out into the Universe, the Universe conspired to prove me wrong. Queue stunningly drop dead gorgeous guy that is so far out of my league that I am actually convinced that we aren't even playing the same sport... A Sneaky new years kiss turned into the need for a jumper to fight the night time chill and the rest is history. Or it would have been if I hadn't been faced with the Dilemma of what to do with my Stick on Bra. What should I do? Pull it off before he had a chance to see it and hide it somewhere for later retrieval? tell him that I am a mutant and actually don't have nipples so the skin coloured things he is seeing is actually part of my body? Admit that I am wearing a stick on Bra and let us laugh about it?
The Course of Action: I turned it in to a joke, hey look, I am wearing this really really unattractive stick on Bra so that my weird nipples aren't showing to the world. Isn't it weird. Yeah ok, you can peel it off if you like and then examine it while I am waiting half naked in a state of pure mortification. No worries mate. And then when we are done I am going to subtly sneak back in to the party with my stick on bra hiding inside the jumper that caused for the removal of offending item in the first place and hide it in my bag and hope that no one notices that I am now free boobing. I actually think that I may have jinxed myself, I had been joking to my friend that if they were to fall off while we were out, we were to pretend that they weren't mine and just keep walking like it never happened. We didn't really come up with a contingency plan on what to do if a hot man approached me...
I guess I have come to realise that the least prepared you are, the more likely you are for people to see your under garments... that's just Science, or fate or something else that I cant remember the name for at this exact point in time. And yeah ladies I know that underwear can be annoying and probably the most appropriate underwear for the garment may not be the most comfortable but for the love of all things holy, please, please, please wear the best choice. Sure you may get laid later on and it may get awkward but think of the hilarious stories that you will be able to tell your kids later in life.
Love and Lingerie
Miss K
*** not that this portion of the story has anything to do with Underwear but the story of these two people is actually pretty cool. We were at the Craic (now Bar 120) like we were most nights in our teens and my friend met this guy called Leighton. He wrote his number on a piece of paper and gave it to her so she could call him. I don't know why but for some reason she gave it to me to look after, she knew me, she should have known this was a bad idea, anyway I lost the bit of paper but she managed to remember the number enough to get in contact with him. They started dating, we got accepted in to their fold and what followed was about 6 - 12 months of awesome friendship and adventures. Its funny how life works out sometimes isn't it.
