The Birds and The Bees - For Men

I have seen a lot of doodle in the past, no surprise there I hear you say, and do you know the best sex I have ever had? it wasn't with the one with the biggest most beautiful penis (Yes Penis can be beautiful, I can send you a photo if you like and Yes ladies he is single) but the best sex came from an average, heavily fore skinned selfish lover, for the simple fact that I loved him. He never made me orgasm and the one time he went down on me I had to stop him to ask what he was doing (thinking outside the box is not the correct answer in this situation, Just FYI). For women it is about the connection that is attached to it (Yes even women like me that are devoid of feelings). From all my dealings with men I have realised that sex is something different to each of the sexes, So fellas here is the stuff that maybe your mum didn't tell 

- We do not need to orgasm for it to be fun. The act of sex feels good, having the weight of a man on top of you and smelling his rough manliness is a good time. Kissing is fun, laughing is fun. All of those things that make up a good bought of intercourse are fun and by making it all about Orgasm you are taking the fun away.

- It is not a competition, you are not in a race with the last guy I was intimate with. Do not compare your penis to his or the fact that he made me orgasm every time because you are fighting against a ghost (Granted that your comparison is probably my fault for showing you his picture and telling you that he did)

- It might come as a shock but despite what you think and what we say, we are generally fucking you for your personality

-  Realistically I can guarantee that I am going to be better at giving me an orgasm than you are so if you cant do it, who cares.

- We don't care about your cock, generally they do much of the same thing and yes we would have seen bigger and we probably have seen smaller as well. Its not the size its how you use it (or what you do to make up for what you lack in size)

- Sex is a game, keep it fun. The more you stress about not coming or about us coming the less fun everyone is going to have.

- Just like you don't see our flaws we don't see yours, so act with confidence because that is sexy.

- Don't make it all about us, that intense look you get in your eye when you are hell bent on trying to make us orgasm is creepy and counter productive. We are not a puzzle to solve.

- If we have had sex with you, we are pretty much  acquainted with your body so why are you trying to cover it up? If you are in the shower who cares if I see you, why put clothes back on as soon as the act is finished? Jesus I have probably had your doodle in my mouth.... seeing it isn't  going to suddenly make me run away. Own who you are and if you want to do a wind mill with it to make us laugh, so be it. I will say it again. SEX IS FUN!!!!!!

- Don't lose weight or try to get fit in the effort to attract a mate, do it because you want to build your confidence and health. Everything else is just a bonus. And the way that I think about it is if someone has only gone home with me for my body then I have gone home with the wrong person

- Not all girls want a bronzed Greek god in their bed. Me personally I like chubby guys because there is more cushion for the pushing or something like that. Softness is nice.

- Women don't care about a marathon man. Generally speaking if you last for too long we are going to do our best to hurry you up (trust me, all girls have their tricks to make you finish). In my experience men are worried about lasting for ages, guys here is a tip from me, quickies are great,

- Just because we do something for you, doesn't mean that we expect something in return. Just like you enjoy pleasuring us, we enjoy pleasuring you as well. That quick gobbie I give you while the  Pizza cools down or we are waiting to meet your friends for dinner, that is my gift to you. I like to see you squirm and I want to be on your mind. Just let me have that. Its OK to be selfish.

I am no way considering myself to be the sexual oracle but I am speaking from what I have experienced and the guys that I have encounted. Maybe now I am getting older I look at things differently and put more weight in feelings than I do in "feeling". I say no more often than I used to so by following these simple tips, guys can guarantee that my next encounter is going to tick the boxes. Obviously this isn't all about me and you can take my advise and use it for your ladies as well, or everything I have said could have no relevance but at least it might give you something to think about, If in doubt, talk it out. Pay attention to her body language and her reactions and don't make it an Ego thing. There are many different ways to make a taco, it doesn't matter how you put it together, its going to taste delicious in the end. 

Love and Ladies 

Miss K  

Forgive me father, for I have sinned

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I Jay walk, daily, sometimes twice daily. The long arm of the law has no place in my life 

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I fart in lifts just as I am getting out so the people getting in have to fester in my delightful stench 

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I steal my neighbours junk mail 

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I will eat a grape from a bunch that I am wanting to buy at the supermarket even though its stealing. 

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I smell my clothes to check their cleanliness before I wear them if I cant remember they last time they were washed

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I read strangers texts on the tram to try and find some excitement in my life 

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I sit on the toilet and pick my nose if I feel like I need it. There really is nothing better than digging for gold

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I will hide in clothes racks while out shopping so I don't have to speak to people I don't want to speak to 

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I made a guy face the wall while I finished his work for him because he was a non performer and I don't even fell guilty about it 

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I show other people the dick pics that I get sent so we can all laugh at their man hoods together. I showed a nurse, she thinks you have herpes 

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I cyber stalk the new girlfriend and sit with my friends saying terrible things about her in an effort to feel better about myself

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I write tell all damaging blogs about people and don't change their names because I think it is funnier that way 

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I use my clothes as a hand towel instead of using hand dryers because they make me feel dirty and sticky 

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I did a fart last night that sounded like the roaring of the lions in "The Circle of Life" and I laughed for 10 minutes straight, and then I texted everyone about it because I was so impressed with it.

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I get a moment of pride when I use the toilet at work hours after my original visit and still see the spoils of my toils 

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I wonder how some people get boyfriends while I am single 

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I am a filthy loud mouthed human and I understand that for all of the above there is a special place in hell set out just for me 

Love and Hail Marys 

Miss K 

Rage Level Maximus V2 - Return of the Rage

Last year I took you on an initial journey of ragedom and over the last few days I have realised that more and more things are driving me to distraction and increasing the urge to stab people in the throat with the sharpened point of my stiletto. I am coming in to my 32nd year and maybe this is when grumpy old lady syndrome kicks in, I will be sitting on my balcony howling at the moon and throwing my cats at people before I know it. In case the police are called, here are my triggers and so you all know, I am going to plead insanity.... 

Whistlers - Everyone thinks they are good at whistling, news flash I would rather Blumpkin that listen to the high pitched out of tune whine noise that is coming out of your tooth cave. And if you don't know what a blumpkin is you should look it up to know how serious I am.  Just don't, no whistling. EVER. And if you do it in the work place, just a friendly reminder, I know where the box cutters live.

People with Bad Work Ethic - I have a very busy job, when I started there were four people and now there are two and our work loads have increased so I really don't have time to scratch myself. This in no way is complaining, I much prefer to be busy because it keeps my mind occupied and my days seems to fly by. And by no means do I think that I am the model employee but at least I try. I work with some people that see to have run out of steam the minute they walk in the door in the morning. Everything is a struggle and they will let you know this every time that they are asked to do something. If you are so busy, how prey-tell do you have time to sit browsing the Internet? You might think that you are hiding it by making the window small in the bottom corner of your screen but when you don't move for an hour you kind of give yourself away. How can someone live their whole life with no ambition? I work somewhere that if you show promise they will foster that. I just don't get people. One day I am probably going to snap and say something that I cant come back from, but FAKE busy shits me. 

Talking Slowly - here is a little known fact about me, I have exceptional hearing, like above average and stuff. I think this is due to my terrible terrible eye sight so it all kinda comes out in the wash maybe. English is also my first language. If you are telling a story you don't need to slow your words down to double line spacing so I am able to comprehend it. I am suuurrrreeeeee you have a point, so please for the love of god GET TO IT!!!!!  I don't have a good attention span, so if you talk for too long or too slowly I am going to forget what you are trying to say, get bored and think of ways to kill you. There is building suspense and then there is building a death wish, you need to choose the happy medium.

Clock Watchers -  5.29 bags packed and ready to spring out the door the minute the clock ticks over. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU!!!!! Fuck man I want to go home as much as you do but if I am in the middle of something I am going to finish it so that I can start fresh in the tomorrow. Home time is not the fucking Cinderella story, you are not going to turn into a fucking Pumpkin!!!! Goshhhhhhhhh.

Cryptic Messages - Being single in this day and age is pretty tough and I don't think I need to tell you guys that, gone are the days of pulling petals off a flower with he likes me / he likes me not to find out if the one you are crushing is crushing on you.  Why don't people just say what they mean??!!!!????? It would solve so many problems. If you aren't interested say it, if you are interested man the fuck up and put on your big kid pants and say something. Yeah its scary but that's what makes it worth it. I am so sick of sitting here having no idea what the fuck is going on. Here is another news flash, I am so shy that even being near a guy I like makes me a mute retards and even I try. 

Tales of an Ex - I don't know if this one makes me more angry or more upset but I am over everyone telling me what my ex is up to. Yeah I know that he has a new girlfriend, yeah I know that he has blocked and deleted a lot of my friends, yeah I know that he is a good guy, yeah I know that they are in love, yeah I know all of this. Just shhh about it OK. Its pretty hard to hear that someone has moved on and loves someone else when you are still struggling to find your feet. You don't even need to tell me that my boobs are better than hers because shiii son, not many girls beat me in the mammary game so she has no hope. I just want to forget either of them exist and I'm sure their wedding will be wonderful.

Yapping Dogs - The next door neighbours have just gotten a dog or they are babysitting a dog or dog. Anyway this thing doesn't seem to have an off switch and my neighbours don't seem to notice. It barks ALL night for hours and hours on end and they are oblivious. I haven't slept properly in weeks because of it and the nice note (which was actually nice, no lies) that I put in their letter box seems to have had no affect. I am not for harming animals but my resolve is being tested. 

Smokers - Actually that may be a bit broad of a statement, you can smoke all you like but I hate when it impacts on me and the comfort of my life. I live on the first floor of a nice apartment block, old mate downstairs Angus (who we thought was Gay but actually has a girlfriend) is a smoker, and a heavy one at that. He sits on his balcony and smokes cigarette after cigarette to the point where I cant have my balcony door open because my house wreaks of smoke if I do. There is a clause in all rentals called Quiet Enjoyment and I think this crosses this line. At least he likes to mix it up a bit though, sometimes he smokes Pot. What a lovely smell to go to sleep to, who needs incense when you have that?

Gosh, I probably should stop, my head is now overflowing with quietly simmering rage, I am currently sitting in the Laundromat doing my adult duties and I am sure that the people in here doing the same don't deserve for me to explode and shoot angry guts and hateful words all over them. They are just trying to go about their business and they probably don't realise that talking overly loudly on their phone, standing in the door way smoking or eating that packet of chips with their mouths open are triggers for me. Its like that movie where the kids sees dead people, he can see them and sometimes they don't even know they are dead. I can see these people and they don't even know that their existence makes me angry, who am I to burst their bubble. 

Love and Blood Lust 

Miss K 

Things not to do in 2015

I was sitting on the tram on the way home from doing grocery shopping the other day and it dawned on me everything that was wrong with the equation. Earlier this week I wrote a guide to better living for 2015 and I think that it is only fitting to now write a list of what not to do in 2015 to make my life better. So here they are, things I am going to try and stop in the one five

Shopping Hungry - I think we are all a little bit guilty of this one, we know how it goes, we pop into the shop to buy some milk and bread and come out with 3 crayfish, a block of cheese shaped paper and a small Asian child. We get home and realise that we have forgotten our bread and milk and don't really have anything worth eating. This year I am going to take the time to put something in my stomach before I go to the shop to find other things to put in my stomach. I have never been good at will power so simply going in and getting what I started out to get is a some what unrealistic goal if I am hungry. 

Buying Green Bags - I am all for doing my bit for the environment and I like the sturdiness that a green bags provides but I have enough to build myself a green bag fortress. If you fail to plan you plan to fail and that pretty much sums up every time I go to the shops. With living the inner city life I don't have a car which means I generally pop to the shops on a whim and that means I am generally unprepared with my bags. I actually might go back to Coles On line because then I am killing these top two donts with one dial up of the internets. 

Eating Toast - Toast should be a breakfast food, or a sometimes lunch food, it shouldn't be a dinner food because I am too lazy to make anything else. I am a good cook, I have Jamie's 15 minute meals book on my shelf, heck it only takes 6 minutes to microwave a potato. Stop taking the easy way out.

Not Opening my Mail - Its kind of the theory that if you don't acknowledge it, it doesn't exist. I come in, throw my mail on the counter, take my pants off and forget about the world. I am going to start opening AND reading my mail. I could have won a million dollars and I wouldn't know because I am to something something to open them.

Texting Bitches - well technically I never have texted bitches but I am meaning texting first and chasing fellows for attention. I am going to start the treat them mean keep them keen mantra. Its going to do wonders for my confidence. Also drunk texting. No more drunk texting. Drunk Kerry is bad.

Putting Money before Health - I am broke, I don't deny that but I am always using having no money as a reason to not put my health first. Doctors, dentists, physios etc cost money but I am worth the investment. If you feel good, you look good and when I look good the world is good. 

Hitting Snooze - My snooze cycle is 10 minutes, in that time I could put on some face, make some breakfast or strap on my gym shoes and get burning some calories. I might try and get the Little Britain "You Fat Shit" as my alarm tone to motivate me to get up and get moving. 

Ignoring my Bank Account - If I don't look, I have money. Simple. Or not so much. I need to start looking and being accountable for my spendings. Come on, its the year 2015 and I am going to be 32 in a few months, I really shouldn't be scared of those $$$.

So there you are, things that I am going to try not to do in 2015. I am so far doing well in my other resolutions so I think Ive got this.  

Love and Oh Noes 

Miss K