Resolutions to Remember for 2015

As we roll into 2015 wearing futuristic clothes and riding around the street on Hover boards I was going to take this time to reflect on the goals that I set myself at this time last year but after doing a quick browse back over them I realised that I didn't do very well in following through with what I set out to do. I found love and lost it again, I got into shape and stayed there and was a bit more selfish than I used to be but other than that I think that maybe I forgot that these were my resolutions. Even though today is really just another day and the only change is the date I am going to try and write another set of suggestions to live my life by, maybe this year I will print them out and stick them up where I can see them so that I don't forget what I have set out to do. So here they are, things to work towards in 2015

Get better Posture - my dad constantly tells me to stand up properly. I am a solid 5'10 and I should show this to the world. Also if you have better posture your boobs look bigger and that is always a good goal to aspire to have. I look at tall women in the street and think how beautiful they are when they are standing up strongly, I want people to look at me like that.

Stop saying Cunt so much - I don't know how this one happened but the C Bomb may have become the most commonly used word in my vocabulary in 2014, it replaced the filler words of "like" or "umm" if you will. The besties boyfie always tells me that boys would be much more interested in me if I didn't say it so much so I am going to give it a crack. I don't think I am ready for it to go cold turkey but I can handle this like a pack a day smoker tackles quitting, slowly whittle it down one cunt at a time until I don't need it any more.

Call my Nan more - I am not afraid to say that my nan is one of my favourite people on the whole planet. She inherited us when I was about 10 years old and she has loved me and hugged me and listened to me cry over boys and fed me lollies and been the most amazing nan that anyone could ask for. She doesn't judge me or my life choices and supports me 100%. It is easy to forget about these people in the busy life that we lead, but in 2015 I am going to try and remember her more and pick up the phone. You never really know how long you have left to show someone that you love them so I don't want to waste any of that time. 

Stop being so hard - I was sitting in the shed one day with my dad while he was changing the brake pads on my sisters car and we were having a discussion about some life issue and he looked and me and said "you are a hard women" and this has stuck with me for the last few years and constantly pops up in my head. I am hard and I will admit that, it takes a lot to crack my shell and I will cut people off at the drop of a hat because of a feeling. I am always told that I cut things to early, so maybe for 2015 I am going to give myself some more leeway. Surely everyone in the world isn't out to get me so I probably should give them a chance. Go into the world with an open heart and great things will come to you. I hope. I am always black and white, maybe its time to let in some grey.

Write More - This was one of my goals for last year and I did well it for about half of the year and then I just seemingly fell of the edge of the world. See the thing with me is that when I am not feeling good I feel that I don't write good so everything that I do is rubbish and is not worthy of public viewing so instead of trying, I just disappear. This is bullshit really and in 2015 I am going to stop this. I am going to set myself a goal to publish at least one post a week, I am going to set aside a block of time every weekend to sit and write and just see what happens. I have a folder full of ideas just waiting to be fleshed out, I really need to give those ideas light. Writing is cathartic, I need more of that in my life. 

Eat out less - One of my goals every year is to get better with money and I have yet to achieve that goal but this is one little thing that I can do to tie into that. I need to stop eating out and actually be more organised. I opened my fridge this morning to find something for breakfast and I had the choice of some meadow lea, 3 semi sun dried tomatoes and a tiny bit of parsley. That's not the contents of an adults fridge. I am a good cook, I make delicious meals and I have it within my capacity to be organised but I am easily way laid. I will endeavour to make my breakfast, take my lunch to work and have a plan for what I want to make for dinner each night instead of grabbing breakfast on the run, buying my lunch and getting some take away on the way home after the gym. $10 per meal certainly does add up. Eating out should be a treat, I need to make it so. 

Become less Social Media reliant - I am 31 years old, I don't need to be constantly sitting on my phone waiting to find out what my friends are having for dinner. I sit on the tram during my daily commute and it has dawned on me that we are now a group of Zombies. As soon as people sit down they pull out their phone and start scrolling through their social media feeds to distract themselves from the world around them. I want to be present. I want to make friends with the little kid called Marcus that is sitting next to me and wants to be a Burrito when he grows up (see what you can find out if you offer to share your seat). I want to smile at the old Italian lady who tells me to be less hard on myself and I want look at the amazing Graffiti that adorn the walls along the tram line. There is so much beauty in the world and I am scared about how much I have missed with my eyes glued to my phone. The news feed is still going to be there in an hour, the wisdom of the old lady sitting next to me can only last until my stop approaches. 

Stop Hiding behind my overtly sexual Nature - So I guess now its time to come clean, everyone has this view of me that I am this overly sexual creature, I ooze it from my pores, I act like it, I dress like it, heck I even write about it but really that's not who I am. I think that its an act that I have fallen in to because its easy. I lost count of the amount of dick pics that I was sent in 2014, and do you know how many of those people I have actually been intimate with? ONE!!!! I know that its all in good fun but it has dawned on me that some people think that's all I am and I am not really cool with that. Last year I fucked up, I started to snatch chat with a guy who I actually genuinely wanted to get to know better but because that was how things started there really was no coming back from that. I don't want to make that same mistake in 2015. I am not an object and I wont stand for being treated as one, I like attention, but this is the wrong kind of attention to be getting. I am better than that, if I want to be treated as a lady, I need to act like one and make people remember that I am one. 

Stop with the Emotions - I am an overly emotional person, I will admit it. Life gets to me, I get upset, I get angry, I want to disappear into the blackness. I want to be more stable in the year 2015 because at this age I should probably have my shit together, or at least pretend that I do. I nearly lost my job in 2014 for being upset about life circumstances. I went through a terrible break up that destroyed me and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop that from coming out. I got pulled in to line and told to shape up or ship out and this wasn't a pleasant experience at all. It made me realise that everyone is going through shit and the world doesn't really care about your struggle. This year I want to be like a Botox lady, a fixed mask of non expression.  The world doesn't need to know about my emotions because they probably don't care. I'm going to do Kenny Rogers justice this year and know when to hold them and know when to fold them. 

Say Yes More - A few years ago I had one resolution for the year and that was to make it the year of the random and it was probably one of the best years that I had so I would like to adopt this one again. I am going to stop making excuses and become more about action. You never know what the world has in store and you certainly wont find it out by sitting on your couch watching reruns of the Big Bang Theory. So that guy wants to take you out for ice cream - YES. You get asked to a party where you don't know anyone - YES. You find an advertisement for a cooking class - YES. I am going to be like Jim Carey in Yes Man (just a little bit less funny, only a little bit though). The world is out there, all I need to do is say Yes and let it in. 

2014 was a year of High Highs and the lowest of lows but I am here on the other side so I have to take that as a win. The bad times help us be thankful for the good and inevitably make us the people that we are. I made friends, I lost friends, I cried, I loved, I laughed and probably pissed a whole lot of people off along the way. I found my place in the city and was shown the goodness in people when I really needed to see it. Whether I achieve all my resolutions or not, as long as I be the best me that I can be I will happily take that as a win. So 2015, I am coming for you. I will be the one with good eyebrows and designer high heels and I will take no prisoners. I cant fail, because after all, I am Kerry and I've got this. 

Love and Old Lang Syne

Miss K

2015 can do this...

Why wristies are awkward....

Sometimes I think about prostitutes and what a hard job they actually have, we all know that they provide massages with a happy ending but have you actually thought about the work that has to go in to the "tug" part of the rub n tug? At the fear of losing the respect of my readers and the possibility of alienating myself from future suitors I am going to be honest and say that I feel I am lacking in the art of wristies. While I admit that I am good at many things, hand jobs aren't one of them and I think this has a lot to do with positioning and stamina. In the essence of #science lets explore this further

I think the first time I experienced the need to "wristie" was in my younger days and my early sexual encounters. I was a late bloomer and didn't see a doodle until I was nearly 18, I had just come out of a long stint of religion and the idea of having to touch that thing was a bit scary. Thankfully my first boyfriend had a very lovely penis so it wasn't as scary as some of them that I have seen over the course of my "career". Being young and inexperience lead to a lot of fumbling around blindly trying to entertain the other person.

 I would like to think that my parents raised me right and they were big believers in the saying of "Do on to others as you would have done on to you" (actually I could be making this up and maybe they never told me this), so needless to say if I wanted him to touch my "area" I would need to touch his. Laying in a single bed facing each other whilst trying to touch each others areas was a bit like a game of Twister "LEFT HAND ON PINK. NOOOO THE OTHER PINK". He is clicking your mouse and you are trying to figure out how to put your arm down there without disturbing his rhythm and then your hand is backwards or upside down and you have no room for he upstroke so all you end up doing is clumsily rubbing your finger tips over the top of his head.... HOW IS THIS ENJOYABLE?

There has to be a better way so over the year I have given it a bit more thought, here are the positions and their pros and cons

The Polar Opposites - This position has been mentioned above, it just doesn't work, it just doesn't.Think of it if you will as trying to push two magnets together with their opposing forces. 

Suitability 3/10

The Side by Side - You've been out for a large dinner, neither of you are actually at all interested but you are trying to keep the romance alive (and you have to give them something back for buying you dinner). If you put any pressure on your stomach region you probably couldn't be responsible for what happens next so side by side tugs are probably all that you can muster. This position is awkward because my elbow isn't on a hinge and cant bend backwards, if I am laying on my side then I have to hold my arm up in the air and its going to get tired. Maybe I could rest it on my distended pasta stomach

Suitability 5/10

The Reach Over - this one comes in handy if you are driving a car or in a cinema or doing something where you need to sit and face the front. This one can be a bit of an issue with angle and reaching over can cause your arm to get sore. Plus its not very intimate is it, if you are doing it for someone you care about isn't eye contact recommended? 

Suitability 6/10

The Sneaky Reach Around - This is probably my favorite one (granted that your gentleman isn't of the rounder side) because its the wristie that is unexpected. Imagine that they are brushing their teeth or heaven for bid having a shave you can give them some fun times. The position can cause fatigue and then there is the awkward chance of grabbing something that you aren't meant to because you cant see but the pros out weight the cons. If you can manage to keep it up until the end there is less clean up because they can just blow into the sink. No mess No Fuss

Suitability 8/10

The Lap Dance - think about sitting on their lap straddling them with their ample (hopefully) pole facing skywards. This way you can look into their eyes lovingly as you are stroking their masculine length. This would cut down fatigue because you are directly in front of them and your arm isn't in an awkward position. Plus if you would like to move on from just wristie to a bit of penetration all you need is a flick of the hips. Kinda like killing two birds with one stone.

Suitability 8/10

The Upside Down - This would be the 69 of the wristie world. You have your eye on the prize, your arms aren't in an awkward position and you can go for a while, he is laying in a comfortable position and could be giving you something back at the same time. The draw backs with this is that I am anti on my face and in this position it doesn't really have much choice but to end it there. When I said not one my face, I meant not on my face.

Suitability 7.5/10

The Back Up - Stand in front of them with your back to them, slightly to your preferred side (I am right handed so I would stand slightly to the left) and back up on to them with a lego hand like grip. They can whisper sweet nothings in your ear as encouragement and you can go about your business whilst watching the TV. Fatigue shouldn't get the better of you in this position as your arm is a nice casual relaxed mode, much like it would be if you were treading water. Just be sure to step out of the way at the moment of "impact" because that stuff can be hard to get out of your clothes.

Suitability 8.5/10

Maybe we should all just agree to carry out our own foreplay and reconvene when we are "ready". Or maybe it would be better for everyone if we all had some communication, that's not my clitoris and you need me to go faster are probably phrases that need to be said .... but really if I haven't mastered it after 15 years maybe its just time for me to call it quits. I think I have realised that pretty much the only way to get a 10/10 if to do it yourself.

Or this... lets just go with this

Love and Lubrication 

Miss K 

N.B while writing this blog I was sitting at the pub and posed this question to the lads that decided to sit on my table, Dean Jones told me that if he is getting a shit wristie/blow job he tells the girls to suck his balls and finishes the job himself. See kids, that's what communication is all about

* no names were changed to protect the identity of the participants. But it is cricket season and they are wearing Hawaiian shirts so they probably deserve everything that they get.

The Reason I.... Part One

Lists are good, I like them to organise my day, figure out what I need to forget at the shops (because I have left the list at home) and in this case to give me the pros and cons of that adventure called life. Here is a list of reasons why I...  

The reason I... Shouldn't Drink

- getting on a roof always seems like a good idea, but then the getting off the roof may be a bit of a challenge. Here is a bit of advice for free - laying down and rolling off may get you there but its probably going to cause you some damage 

- Every ones food is my food, I see it, I want it, I take it and fuck the consequences, 

- Drunk Kerry is an excited puppy and wants to touch and kiss and generally cause mischief, that probably needs to be restrained

- Drunk Kerry is also a thief, stealing 8 pint glasses from a fancy pub will seems like a great idea until you get in the car in the morning and wonder what all that chinking is

The reason I... cant be trusted around sharp items 

- plastic bags can be difficult to negotiate and when you combine a plastic bag and a sharp knife someone is going to get stabbed in the sternum

- The destructive nature is strong with me, if I can stab it or cut it or drill it I probably will 

- I have the attention span of a goldfish, when wielding anything dangerous this could be to my detriment

The reason I... shouldn't be allowed out in public 

- I say cunt a lot more than a regular person

- I have the energy and destructiveness of a puppy, I don't mean to be bad but it just kind of happens 

The reason I... could never become a politician or a royal 

- there are far to many nudes of me floating around in the digital landscape. Pauline Hanson and her belt has nothing on me 

- I am tattooed and foul mouthed, so really all ingredients for a society miscreant

- The world probably couldn't handle me on a big stage and I am probably not what you would like your young girls to aspire to be

The reason I... want to procreate 

- little kids Jordans are cute and you don't have to line up to get them, no reselling cunts in the kids black market 

- I want to use the line "I'm not angry, I am just disappointed" That's a winner, EVERY TIME

- I could have all the toys that I wanted and kids go to bed early so I wouldn't even need to share them 

- Public Tantrums can be a thing, just to teach them a lesson of course. Instead of looking down at me the public, they would cheer for me.

The reason I... couldn't touch the stripper 

- she was too pretty, like one of those amazing glass ornaments, if I touched her I could break her 

- its ingrained in me that you aren't allowed to touch them, its all been about sitting on your hands and trying not to breath too heavy 

- Where would I have even started? do you start at the belly button and work your way up or just jump straight in? The anxiety of the situation was far too much for me to handle 

- she had an outie... and the outie was in my face when she did a hand stand... and I panicked. I am not ashamed to say that I haven't seen an outie before. It wasn't wrong, it was just different 

The reason I... shouldn't touch boys testicles 

- it hurts them, when they can feel it in their solar plexus you know have done a bad thing and they may never talk to you again 

- you may have seen it in the movies when the guy slaps the girl in her privates, but it doesn't translate well off screen and with different genders. The noises are most certainly different 

- Cosmo will tell you cup the balls whilst preforming intercourse, the one time I tried this, the motion of our bodies may have got in the way and some crushage happened followed by some squeaking. I think that's bad. 

- I could have single handedly (only slightly pun intended) put and end to tall bearded tattooed babies. 

Love and Reasoning 

Miss K 

My, what big hands you have....

You would be forgiven for thinking that the above title is a line out of Little Red Riding Hood, just imagine little Red in her Little Cape heading off to visit her little old gran when she happens upon the big bad Wolf and his Giant Hands. I did recently dye my hair bright red but sadly that's about as close to Little Miss Red as I am going to get. Yes, my name is Kerry and I have giant hands. I hear you laughing at what an absurd statement this is but you would be surprised at the amount of times my large hands have been brought up in conversation (twice in the last week alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).

I first realised that my hands were larger than normal when I was about 19, I was cuddling on the couch with my then boyfriend Cameron after a big night out on the town. He was holding a 2ltr choc milk container in one hand and my hand in his other and then out of the blue he remarked "You have the hugest hands". I don't remember much of the conversation that followed BUT the very next day Cameron called our budding relationship off. Look, it could have been for some other reason but its one of those moments that has cemented itself in my mind and from that day forward I had a complex about my giant hands. Life though is about looking for the positives in every situation. Ask not what you can do for your Giant hands, but what your giant hands can do for you. I could be a....

World Class Pianist - with fingers like these I could be Michael Bolton or David Helfhot or Danny Forward (I work with him, he is good at Piano and waving his little baton, apparently he has waved it four times this week and he even has a holster for it). I could tickle them ivories with the best of them. Only I cant, to break it down, me and music is like Jay Z and Beyonces sister.... if you get my drift. I was always that kid in school that couldn't get my claps timed with everyone else. I went full Potato. 

Gold Digger - I have always had a thing for hooker nail to go on the end of the overly long fingers that are attached to my overly large hands. What better use of long hooker nails than going digging for gold. A few weeks ago while driving to lunch Buzz Lightyear decided to go in for a pick on the sly without me seeing, I just happened to catch it in my peripheral vision as he was retrieving his finger with a hanger on, in panic he tried to push it back in but all he achieved was managing to collect another one on the back stroke. He looked at me with imploring eyes and muttered "help me". As you can imagine I couldn't help because he had a finger full of boogies and I had tears of laughter streaming down my face. I hear you asking what this has to do with me, good point, I just wanted to tell that funny story because it makes me laugh heartily but the main point is with long fingers and long nails, the nail can act like a shovel.... no mess, no fuss, clean nose, happy Kerry. I would recommend it for anyone.

Master Mechanic - My fingers are long, thin and dexterous. In a past life I used to spend a lot of time with my hands inside engine bays and my long fingies came in handy. As an example I was putting an engine back together late into the evening and after dropping the head back on I realised that I had forgotten to put in the FPR (Fuel Pressure Regulator for those non car savvy chaps). The FPR on my car is jammed down the back of the block and is held on by two tiny screws, as you can imagine its a bit of a head fuck to put in. Go Go Gadget Thin Fingers and Whaaa Laaaa, problem solvered. Dropped that bolt into that tiny little crack and cant get it... sucks to be you,  I don't generally have that problem. 

Back Yard Abortionist - Look, you don't need to say it, I know this one is in poor taste but it wasn't me that came up with the idea. I cant remember where it steamed from but I am going to hazard a guess that it was an alcohol induced conversation. It went along the lines of me reaching my hand up into a women's womb and removing it with my overly large fingers and long nails. I don't know why but in my head the mortal combat music just started playing.... I am probably going to hell. 

Drunken Spiders - Did you realise that you have 8 fingers and spiders have 8 legs and if I move my fingers really quickly when I am drunk I can image that they are spiders legs. Sometimes I like to put my spiders on people, sometimes it freaks them out, sometimes I laugh. Oh how I laugh. 

Emasculating Man Eater - I once high fived a guy that was 6'5 and my hands were larger than his, I was being the master of high fiving and focusing on his elbow for a solid connection when he remarked rather loudly  "JESUS, HOW BIG ARE YOUR FUCKING HANDS", I was mid flight so there was very little I could do but follow through, but his comment rattled me. I think that it comes down to this simple fact, the bigger my hands are, the small their dicks look. If you are freaked out by the size of my hands that probably means you have a complex about your penis... and that's something you are just going to have to deal with. There are girls out there that will love you even with your tiny tinky. I promise. If you get upset by it, I am probably going to tease you more about it... I'm friendly like that. 

A Faith Healer - We have all seen them on late night/early morning TV, they profess the word of the lord, lay hands on people and then those people miraculously walk again. HALLELUJAH!!!! With these kind of hands I could touch the masses on mass and channel more of the lord into them. Let there be light...

Scream Stopper - For want of a better word. You know in the movies when the goody is trying to save that dumb girl from running into a trap and he dramatically grab her and puts his hand over her mouth so she cant scream? Well I could be that guy (girl). Even the largest of mouths would be no match for these bad boys. I would kind of be like a super hero, but just one that keeps their underwear inside their pants. It would be cool to have a cape but this skill alone wouldn't qualify it for me would it? 

Life is all about turning the things that you cant change into positives that work for you. Remember every cloud has a silver lining and in my case every finger has a sparkly tip. 

 Love and Filangies 

Miss K 

The scariest three word sentence in the world.....

I have been thinking about this a lot in recent weeks, about how three words have the potential to change your life as you know it. In these three words you expose your inner self and your hopes and your dreams and you throw them all on the table. I wish that I could tell you that life was like the movies and when you said it, there would be fireworks and confetti and doves flitting off into the distance but sadly from my experience that's not generally the case. The words I am talking about are "I Love You", and in my opinion they are the most terrifying threes words that ever did exist. I don't mean the I love yous between family's and friends but the I love you, Like I really love you. Here are some tales of I love yous gone a bit astray. 

The first time I remember saying it and meaning it with all my heart was to Ikea Flat Pack when I was about 19 or 20. We had been dating for 6 months and things were going well, one night sitting in the car at Carousel Shopping Centre (how romantic) I just had to tell him. I HAD TO!!! so I did, he looked at me, didn't really say much and then changed the subject and drove off. The next day he broke up with me because his mates had told him that it was too soon for me to say it.... and he didn't need that in his life. Needless to say I was pretty guttered, I spent the next 6 months doing what any normal 19 year old does, and he spent them banging some chic and her sister (at the same time so I am told) and then when it was out of our system and he calmed down we gave it another crack. 

I remember being on the phone to him while I was away on holiday after we had gotten back together and I missed him so much that I just had to tell him I loved him, I didn't want to die at sea without him knowing. Apparently me saying it was the hardest thing he had heard because he wanted to say it back but wanted it to be special. When he finally did say it, it was special. We were in my shower and he looked deep into my eyes and said it. I probably cried, being young and melodramatic as you are that age. We then went on to another 4 years of I Love Yous... that's a pretty good record (and one I haven't broken since).

The second Significant I love you came from a star of this blog (I seem to write about him a lot) the Army Brat. We hadn't been dating very long but we had fallen in love very quickly and things were hard and fast and we were powerless to stop them. One early morning he was getting up to go to the gym and before he left he lent down and kissed me goodbye and said those three words. I don't know why but I panicked, like I mean I went into full on freak out mode. I pretended to be asleep until he left and then quickly pulled out my phone and called my friend. HE SAID I LOVE YOU!!!!! HOW DO I DEAL WITH THIS!!!!!!!! she laughed at me and simply asked "Do you love him?" like it was the simplest question in the world. It turns out that I did love him I was just worried about it I guess, that evening I said it back to him so it was all fine. 

I caught up with him recently and we had a laugh about it, I told him that I hadn't been asleep that day and it wasn't a coincidence that I had said it back to him that night. Our love story didn't pan out the way that the great romances do, but we have an understanding and we are both where we are now because of the love that we had for each other then. I don't think great loves ever die, they just evolve and change over time. And that's OK as well. 

Fast forward a few years to modern day times, I was seeing a guy recently who swept me off my feet without intentionally meaning to do so. I have known him for a few years and remember very clearly the first time I met him thinking how special he was. Years passed and friendships grew and then a bit of fun led to a bit of feelings. Since the Army Brat I had not dropped the L Bomb with conviction so it scared me. The whole idea of Loving someone was an alien thought to me. I remember laying there one night early on in our relationship, being the big spoon with my forehead against his back and my lips against his spine and my head started screaming at me I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU. It was at that moment that I knew I was fucked... when your head starts telling you that, there is really no turning back. 

It was peculiar to me that the idea of loving someone was so scary, maybe with age and bad experiences I have been tainted so I didn't tell him. I tried to put my feelings into everything I did and the way I treated him and just hoped that it would be enough. As the majority of relationships go, this one ended and it was only then that I had the courage to tell him how I really felt. I knew that it wouldn't change things but it was still important. Everyone deserves to know that they mean something. I looked him straight in his eyes and told him Loud and Proud "I Love You". And his response? he knew. So all my hard work of showing him wasn't in vain. 

In my 15 odd years in the dating world this sentence has been thrown out a lot more than it maybe should have but its only been in the last few years that I have realised the significance of it. I think when we are young we think that we are in love and throw it around without abandon, or when someone says it to us we think its our duty to say it back (which by the way it isn't, those words are heavy and you cant take them back).With age comes wisdom and hopefully we are better able to navigate this mine field. Of course though there is no reasoning behind the way the heart feels. Its kind of a bastard like that, it goes off on its merry way and you are powerless to stop it. As tough as those times are when you don't hear it back, please always be thankful that you had the opportunity to say it in the first place. your heart has felt something amazing and if the person does choose to leave you, at least they are leaving with all the information. I can also share that it might take you a while to get over it but keep that love feeling in the back of your mind, being in love is amazing, its what we all strive for and its what we all deserve, Hopefully next time we wont be so scared....

Love and Terror 

Miss K 

As a little side story - I was talking to my cousin the other day and she was telling me how one night she got drunk and told the guy she had been "seeing" for a year that she loved him then woke up in the morning and they were in a facebook official relationship. So sometimes it shows that fairy tales do happen... and when they do, Facebook might know about it before you do. 

Tearful Triumphs and Strange Uses

So as you would know from my last post I have recently gone through a break up that crushed my soul and my spirit and all the other things in life that could be crushed, but never fear, like the phoenix I shall rise from the ashes. I have been told a few times in life that I am overly emotional and those people might actually be on to something  (I don't give my emotions out often but when I do, watch out). I wont lie, I have been crying like a little bitch most days and when I think the tears are about to run out I get a second wind and the rivulets keep flowing. This got me thinking today about positive ways in which to harness my tears... most importantly, if I was someone else, what could I do with those tears that could change the world. Lets play a game of make believe.... I could be,,, 

The Leave Britney Alone Guy - Remember that viral internet sensation from circa 2009 that tearfully defended crazy old Brit and told the world to leave her alone? Yeah I could be that guy. I have always liked the idea of being an internet celebrity (for something other than porn of course) so this might just be the opportunity I am looking for. I could find some cause to champion (not Britney of course, she is so 5 minutes ago), be the voice of the people and then bask in my stardom. Fuck yeah. 

A High Class Stripper - I don't know if its just me but when a women is taking her clothes off for me I like her to be crying. Its kind of like the upgrade to your McDonalds Meal. I am paying for a service and I want her to know that. With the amount of tears that I have been shedding I could be the highest of the High Class. There might actually be the slight issue that I am not an attractive crier, I'm all swollen eyes and snotty noses and big heaving shudders but I can work on those things right? Get yo dollar dollar bills ready boys, the puppies are coming out to play (in the most classy way of course) 

A Gypsy - Did you know that Gypsy tears are meant to ward off against AIDS? I could put my tears in to little glass jars, sell them on the internet and make a fortune. Which I would probably then use to buy one million pop tarts or fill a swimming pool full of the popping balls you get in bubble tea. Step 1. Cry Step 2. Bottle Tears Step 3. Profit!!!! 

The Weeping Madonna - There was apparently a religious statue in Rockingham that wept Oil (for Melbourne people to get some perspective, this is the home of single mothers who wear tracksuits and no shoes with badly bleached blonde hair and regrowth for days). I could totally be a deity and weep some shit so people fell at my feet and worshipped me. I might like to weep Chu Hi or peach nector though... just to be delicious. 

Alice in Wonderland - poor Alice, she cried so much that she flooded the land and had to set sail in a little glass jar. I heard some where that global warming, droughts, water restrictions, something, something, so maybe by being Alice I am just doing my bit to hydrate the world. I'm a good guy like that. My sister is a skipper and she has a boat, so by flooding the world I would be making an income for her as well. Flooding the world Alice style seems to be the gift that keeps on giving. 

A Lubrication Provider - I went to Sexbo one year and there was this alley where you could go in and see all fucked up kind of shit. In this section there was all different kinds of Lube. I distinctly remember there being "Vomit" so I am sure there is a place for tears as well. I could sell my tears to them fucked up people to wet their regions when they cant wet themselves. I may not be doing it but if I can facilitate it for others, you beauty. My initials at KW, that's totally close to KY, this might be my destiny. 

A Unicorn - I know unicorns are just really horses with a horn stuck to their head and yes I know that I have mentioned on numerous occasions that I hate horses BUT the healing properties of Unicorn Tears kind of trumps any pre existing hatreds. Unicorn Tears can heal EVERYTHING. No more dishing out money for expensive antibiotics to cure that STD you picked up from that Tinder bitch that you have been messaging, no more blisters from those new shoes that you just had to have that are one size to small for you and CERTAINLY no more agony when trying to sit down to pee after leg day. Use the cure all Unicorn tears to cleanse you of all that ails you. You are pretty much invincible with those bad boys. By being a unicorn and giving out my tears I am making the world a better feeling place. 

Every day may not be a good day, but there is something good in every day, the difference is usually your attitude. I may be crying some tears today but tomorrow I could also be changing the world, its all about perspective really. So ladies (and gentleman) let your tears flow and you can be who ever you like. Changing the world, one tear at a time. 

Love and Salt Streams 

Miss K 

See, thats the thing about break ups

I'm going to call Wednesday a good day, on the scheme of things at least, for on Wednesday I got a free coffee. I go to the same coffee shop every morning and get myself a Large Skinny Capp with one sugar, pretty predictable but it gets my day going right. On Wednesday morning I walked in and the barista took one look at me and asked if I would like a double shot, at his kindness I started to cry like a weirdo and had to explain that I was going through a break up and I was a little bit crazy because of it. When I got to work I started to think about timing and when it goes from going through a break up to having been through a break up? I was never really good at tenses it would seem. So anyway, I know that I am not alone in the struggles of singledom and relationship demises so take these points as a show of support and reassurance that those crazy things you do might actually be run of the mill and everyone goes through them. This is what I have found happens after a break up

Their name will be everywhere - its as if the world is conspiring against you and forcing you to remember that person of who's name we shall not mention. You will see it on billboards, read it in books, even your local IGA server will have the same name. How did you not know that it was so common before? Who knew that Sir Lord Baron Von Vader Ham was the most common name in the history of the world (that's a Death Star Canteen Reference, if you don't know what that is I would recommend that you google it)

You will be a story on Tram Life - you will appear in someones tram life file (the status that they will write about the strange things that they see on the tram) as that person that was crying soundlessly and excessively whilst wiping your nose on the sleeve of your jumper because you have used up all your tissues for the third time that day.

You Will Relive it, Everyday - remember that time that you did that thing and it was awesome. Yeah well you will now. You will keep replaying those special times in your head trying to find a reason as to why it stopped working and wondering if you should have seen it coming.

You will agonise over every bit of social media information - they are now friends with who? why did they like that persons status? why are they OK? HOW ARE THEY NOT A BLUBBERING MESS LIKE I AM!!!!!!!!!!!! The age of reliance on social media has bred us into a culture of needing information which in turn we use to destroy ourselves. Its really not worth it, find the delete button and use it.

You will only remember the good times - anything  bad that happened, like that time he farted on you or the time he accidentally called you fat will be forgotten. You will only remember all of the good lovely memories thus confusing your head to think that it may be something that it actually wasn't. Maybe you should make a list to remind you that the grass may not have been greener (actually there may not have been any bad times and that time that he farted on you was probably funny and you probably deserved it and you probably got him back). Find some anger, it might help, maybe.

You will feel like your insides are falling out - your body will probably feeling like its breaking up and splitting apart but I have some good news for you I have a friend who is a medical professional and he has assured me that this wont actually happen, at the end of the day all your arms, legs and insides will be where they were before you started. You don't have to worry about a Mr Potatoe Head Picasso situation.

People will tell you to get over it - and in turn you will probably want to punch them in their stupid faces. I would highly suggest against this. As annoying as they are they are just trying to be helpful and remind you of the light that is apparently at the end of the tunnel. They also don't know how you are really feeling so they cant really put statements like that into play, if it was as easy as just getting over it, you probably would have done it by now. So you just take your time and use your inside head voice when thinking of responses for these well wishes.

It WILL feel like the worst thing that has ever happened to you - and it may well be but what I like to do is think of all the other bad things that have happened in my life to put it into perspective. Remember that time when Terry Arnold couldn't come to your 6th Birthday party in the Plane at Midland McDonalds and you cried for a week? THAT was the worst thing that had happened to you and you certainly got over it didn't you?

Finding something of theirs that you didn't know about may cause you to get upset - say you might be cleaning your room or doing the washing and you will find a pair of dirty jocks and sit clutching them to your chest sobbing theatrically because that black scrap of cloth has made you realise how much you miss them. This might go on for a few minutes but then you will come to your senses and pick yourself up off the ground and realise how pathetic you just appeared to the world. Lucky no one knows about this little indiscretion hey?

I have come to the conclusion that getting through a break up and using Pantene may be much the same thing, it wont happen over night but it will happen. So you just keep your chin up tiger and keep fighting the good fight and if all else fails head to the sea, No I am not meaning to walk and keep walking but more just to look at it because there is scientific studies to prove that water elements are crucial for balancing the body and creating physical harmony. That's science bitches!!!! And healing is all about harmony or harmony is all about healing?

(In) Love and (Out of) Love 

Miss K

N.B actually I just thought about it and maybe they aren't actually normal and I am a special brand of crazy and if that is actually the case then at least you can pump your fist in the air in triumph that you are not as crazy as I am.

If I had a penis... I would want it to be detachble

I got a message the other day from my sister because I was feeling pretty depressed and she wanted to cheer me up, in this message there were lots of funny photos that were meant to make me giggle. For those of you that dont knows me I am a miserable cunt so it didn't work overly well but the below photo had the desired effect. See the photo is funny because when Lizards are scared or threatened they can make their tail fall off so they can escape their predators, and old mate lizard has convinced Mr Rat that its a good idea to go to Chow Town. Poor Mr Rat. After I finished laughing at the photo I got thinking about the possibility of being able to regrow other things. Other things like penises.... I don't have one, I did a quick check just to be sure and I most certainly have an inny, but if I did, how awesome would it be to be able to detach it and have it grow back. Just think of all the amazing things that you could do!!!! Look, I can hear all you boys gasping at the prospect of being without your dingle but bare with me... welcome to the world of the detachable, regrowable penis.

If I had a detachable penis, I would bang crazy bitches without fear - I have heard that crazy bitches have teeth in their vagina's, sometimes you don't realise that they are crazy until it is to late. If you are mid coitus and it dawns on you that you may be in a bit over your head, you just detach and run like the wind. What she does with it after you have gone may not be pleasant to think about, but that's her business (I would like to think that she was like a praying mantis... if you get my drift)

If I had a detachable penis, I would get a job at McDonalds - You would think with the skills of detachable appendaging I could have any job that I want and you would be correct but lets think about this. Detach it, jam it into an ice cream cone, top it up with soft serve and you are about to feed someone a "Happy Meal". You could put it a burger and call it the McLoving, it would most certainly put new meaning to "special sauce" I was at Melbourne Central today and couldn't help but laugh at every soft serve that I saw. You're welcome for that image, you can thank me later.

If I had a detachable penis, I would put it in a bag - Neck a bag of dicks is probably one of my favourite sayings and just think how amazing it would be to be able to give a bag with your dicks in it to someone that you hate. Think of the satisfaction you would feel when you get to see the distraught look on their face when they open the bag. I live for shit like that.

If I had a detachable penis, I would throw it at people - possibly a police officer if I so desired. There is a very well known Police Officer in Victoria that hates import owners, if I saw him I would yell a loud war cry of "EAT A DICK" before launching my package squarely at his head and into his eye. It would be community service if anything, I would be taking one for the team and bringing the power back. You could also throw them at sluts if you wanted because sluts love dicks.

If I had a detachable penis, I would keep a spare in the freezer - run out of ice cubes? no worries, frozen dong. Had to much to drink and cant get it up? no worries, frozen dong. Want a bit of DP action and are scared of crossing swords? No worries, frozen dong.

If I had a detachable penis, I would give it to my girlfriend - She could keep it with her in case she missed me when I wasn't around. If she was a bit of the jealous type I could give it to her before a big night out and bingo, she has nothing to worry about because without a doodle I have to sit down to pee and that makes it difficult to cheat even if I wanted to. She can sleep soundly, I can party hard. Its a win win for everyone. 

If I had a detachable penis, I would teach sex ed - I don't actually remember ever putting condoms on Bananas at school but in all the penises I have seen I have never seen one that is as slender as a banana so if I could give the kids something realistic to work on I am sure that they would be able to condom better going forward. Maybe that's why sometimes I don't condom well... I wasn't taught correctly in my youth. 

If I had a detachable penis, I wouldn't need to get STD tests - feeling the burn because you haven't condomed well? No worries, rip that shit off at the first sign of that tingling sensation and start again. A detachable penis is kind of like Zovirax for genitals. 

If I had a detachable penis, I would be the ultimate party troller - Shaving off someones eyebrows is so 2005, pass out with your shoes on and I will stick my detachable penis to your head with super glue. Because dickhead (literally) you cant hold your booze and you should probably be ashamed of yourself. Let my flaccid penis hanging from your forehead serve as a reminder.  

As you can see, the opportunities are endless in the world of the detachable penis. I haven't worked out all the finer details out as yet, like how long it would take to grow back or the noise that it would make when it came off but my idea has merit. I tried to sell it to the masses last weekend and no one was as convinced as I was. No one except for my mate Yoshi, I would like to send a giant shout out to him for being a visionary and helping me with this post. Together we shall take over the world and you lot with your securely anchored appendages will wish that you jumped on board this train in its infancy.

Love and detachment 

Miss K  

Rage Level Maximus

Sometimes in life you just wake up on the wrong side of bed, on these days it doesn't matter what happens EVERYTHING will make you rage at the world, I'm having one of those days today. I contemplated stabbing myself in that fleshy bit near my collar bone just to get out of work and have a bit of a time out (I stopped though because that's a bit extreme and to do it I would have to ruin one of my favorite tattoos) but instead of such radical behaviour I have decided to vent my frustrations to the world, after all a problem shared is a problem halved. So here it is, my list of rages

Children - Specifically school children on public transport. I don't know why it isn't a thing here but I specifically remember there being signs on public transport in WA to say that if you were on a student ticket you HAD to stand up for adults. Those signs obviously do not exist here and as such school kids are always lounging in the seats that I, as a paying adult would like to sit in. I know I was brought up in a different time but are these children not taught manners and common decency? I even now as an adult stand up for people that are senior to me. Also why do teenagers smell so bad? I want to apologise to the world now for ever being a smell teenager.

Personal Trainers - Well specifically the personal trainer that my gym assigned me. I purchased 3 sessions to get me on the road to Bangdom (its the Kingdom where the people with Banging bodies live in case you weren't aware) and he kind of messed me around. I was all gung ho and ready to go but he kept changing my appointments or would show up late or wouldn't show up at all. He ended up giving me a few free sessions to make up for his dickheadness but it still left me feeling a little bit disgruntled, he is running a business, the customer should always come first and I just felt like I didn't. I probably wouldn't want to train me because I constantly told him that I hated him and this one time I accidentally maybe farted on his leg, but that stuff happens. Being a personal trainer would be like being a prostitute, sometimes you are just going to have to see clients that you don't like 

N.B I should probably make a disclaimer here, when we actually did train I got a lot out of it and can see huge differences in my body but it still would have been nice to be put first.

Slow Walkers - I live in a city that has a high number of tourists. I work in the city, I live close to the city and in the daily course of my life I encounter a million different people. Or should I say a million people that walk so god damn slow. You may not have anywhere to go but I most certainly do. I always appear to be rushing, either running off to that class at the gym that I am going to be late for and have the muscly instructor called Wendy yell at me (she looks like she could crush my skull like a walnut between her overly muscles thighs so I don't want to make her angry) or I am running to get something on my lunch break or I just want to get something to eat. I am slowed down daily by people that meander. I think there should be a blanket rule, no tourists on the streets before 9 in the morning and between 12 - 2 during the day. Business people are busy people. Get out of my Way. Or if you would like to walk slowly, or stop suddenly, don't do it in the middle of the walk way. My dad always used to tell me off for walking irradically and would push for me to keep left, I like this attitude. Everyone should adopt it  

Phone Junkies - This can be coupled with Slow Walkers, is your life really that important that you cant put your phone away for 5 minutes to get from point A to point B. When you have your head down you have no idea on what is going on around you and that probably means that you are pissing off the world. Also at the GYM!!!! What the fuck are you thinking? I don't care if you need to swipe left to some hot bitch on tinder (is that the way you swipe? I have never tindered) between sets on the lat machine but I have a work out to do and I do not have time to wait for you to check your face book, take a selfie and text your bitches. I am sure that it can wait for an hour. Just the other day I was doing weighted walking lunges (my most hated exercise in the universe) and this girl was on her phone and walked straight into me and sent me toppling over unceremoniously with my 4kg hand weights clattering loudly to the floor. What if I was trying to look sexy and pick up? she would have totally ruined my mojo.

Gym Dickheads - this can fall into a lot of boxes, machine hoggers, excessive sweaters, phone users, selfie takers, generally just people that have no regard for what is going on around them. We are all there for the greater good and good on us for finding our 30 but maybe lets have a little bit of consideration. Share the machines, wipe up your sweat, put the equipment back, leave your phone in your locker. Don't be a dick head. Plain. Simple. As Nike would say, Just Do It (and by it, I mean not being a cock smoker)

Lose Fat fast advertisements - WHY!!!! How does facebook know that I was once obese? well for your information facebook I have lost 18kg this year and I am feeling fantastic and not fat so you can keep your lying advertisements to your self. I am also constantly plagued with thoughts of who actually falls for these advertisements. I saw one the other day of a lady that was pregnant and then 10 weeks later she was skinny and had lost 700 pounds, SHE HAD A FUCKING BABY THATS WHERE ALL HER WEIGHT WENT AND I AM PRETTY SURE THATS A DIFFERENT PERSON ANYWAY. What kind of person would actually look at this picture and be fooled by the persons miraculous weight loss? Certainly not me and I am upset with Facebook that first they profiled me as fat AND THEN they insulted my intelligence by thinking I would go along with the stories they are trying to spin me. 

That Fucking Banging Noise from Upstairs - I live in a small Apartment complex of 8 units, every night at about 7oclock banging starts from upstairs. Its kind of like the banging that you would hear if you bounced a cricket ball against the wall repeatedly. This goes on for about 10 - 15 minutes in a non rhythmic pattern and then stops, I always thought it was maybe a small child that wouldn't go to sleep but I have never seen any children coming in or out of my complex (not to say that there aren't children there, maybe there are and they are being held captive and the banging is trying to get my attention so I come and rescue them. Well too bad, you'll need to bang louder and more frequently than that). At 7 o'clock its annoying but last night it started at 10 o'clock and went until about 10.13!!!!! I was trying to sleep and I very nearly put on my slippers and dressing gown and marched up there to give them a piece of my mind. 7 o'clock is an inconvenience, 10 o'clock is a crime against humanity.

Fading Hot Water -  When I first moved into my apartment I never had any problems with my hot water, it did a Rheem, it came on steady hot and strong, but lately it has been a bit lack luster. While standing minding my own business and contemplating the universe the hot water just cuts out and I am shrouded in jets of ice water. I think that it might be my neighbours conspiring against me because they hate me, maybe they have a toilet flushing schedule or a washing machine revolution just to make my life difficult. I am a simple creature, I just want a hot shower with out swear words. It shouldn't be too much to ask.

Paperclips -  the bain of all office workers I would hazard a guess, or it could just be one of my triggers. I find them to be untidy and the way that they catch everything in their path and pull the papers apart or just fling off into the distance when put under the slightest bit of duress, or the way that they join together to hinder my paper collating process. I feel that the stapler and staple removed is a much better invention.The only good paperclip is a dead paper clip, or one that you have folded into a love heart to make someone smile. I did that the other day, that was a nice paperclip.

Phheewwwwww, now breath. I possibly feel slightly better about venting. I have also realised that maybe I am a very cranky angry old lady and I should make steps to rectify that. I have started taking Body Balance Classes, its like a mix of thai chi, palates and yoga and its meant to be really calming. We do this arm movement water flowing bullshit and its meant to calm you down.... I might just start doing that movement when ever I want to punch the world in the throat.... its gotta be worth a try at least.Or maybe I should just become a hermit and live in a cabin in the woods where I am away from people.... actually not I come to think of it that's the best way. Hold my mail, I might be gone a while.

Love and Rage Quits 

Miss K