Disclaimer: I have been overwhelmed by the support that has come my way in the last 24 hours since posting my last blog. It means more to me than you will probably ever know. It was one of the more difficult posts I have written because it was from the heart, it sat for weeks and was rewritten countless times to try and make it read right and to make sure all the anger was gone from it. Because really, who has time for anger? There are two sides to every story and his version of events would be different from mine simply because of our different views in life but in the essence of fairness, I give you this post, I am not sunshine and light, I am difficult to love and nearly impossible to live with so make sure you take that into consideration
Isn't the Internet a wonderful thing? It exposes us to points of view that we would never possibly conceive ourselves. I like to read these articles in an attempt to become more self aware and I don't know why, but recently these articles have been hitting closer to home. Maybe its the full moon or the time of the month, who knows. The other day I read an article on what it was like to date a lone wolf and it cut a little close to the bone. The older I am getting the more I have realised that I maybe don't play well with others and my recent relationship is testimony to this. So what is it like dating someone that is so used to being by themselves, what is it like to date me?
1. I am a contradiction - I want attention, I crave it, I live for it and then when I get it I don't want it anymore. this doesn't mean that I don't want you, it just means that I don't really want you to touch me at the moment.
2. I need time to myself, a lot of time. I have lived alone in the single life for nearly my whole adult existence. I need to learn to adjust and that might take time. The world is really loud and I need the quiet that is me to make sense of that all.
3. Sometimes I need to disappear. I need to turn my facebook off, not answer my phone and go MIA. I will always come back, I promise and I will let you know when I am going but I need to do this for my sanity.
4. I'm not very good at communication and sometimes I forget about pleasantries. I have gotten better over the years but its hard for me to put myself out there when things may not be going the way they should. I need you to keep communicating with me though and give me the time to come back to you.
5. I don't sleep well and I am bad at mornings. I get cranky if I don't sleep and sometimes I fall asleep at odd times. I do like to sleep. Naps are great. Please don't be offended if I like to sleep in my bed without you. I still care about you but I need that time to refresh.
6. I deal with issues by shutting off. This goes hand in hand with 3 and 4. I will come back but I need to sort out my thoughts before I do that. I am not a bull at a gate anymore, I have to take the time to think about things.
7. I get scared often and I struggle with intimacy. I am hard to be around and you might find it difficult to touch me sometimes without me freaking out. I know that you wont hurt me but my head sometimes goes a little bit haywire. I ask for patience.
8. I come with a past that effects everything I do. I have low self esteem and doubt my worth constantly and I think that you are probably going to leave me any day now, just like everyone else. Again, I am trying to make this go away. After all, you are a fresh future and you could be the one that makes it all right.
9. I am highly stressed and I feel things deeply. If some thing is wrong with my friends I will feel for them, If I have had a bad day, I am going to feel that too and what to speak to you about it. I don't need you to try and fix it, I just need you to listen and be supportive. I will do the same for you.
10. I want things to be on my terms. I am stubborn and hot headed and opinionated. I will compromise but I need you to know all the facts on how I am feeling. So many times in the past I have let the guy pick the speed of the relationship and while I have been reeling and freaking out because its all going too fast, he pushed ahead only to change his mind a few months in. I don't want to do that again. I have all the time in the world and I am in no rush.
Look, I realise that this probably alienates me from many future suitors but I am nothing if not honest so here I am, warts and all. I am worth the effort though, I have these moments of grand brilliance which make up for those other weird things that you get along the way. Well I hope anyway. In return for the above you will get someone that is loyal, playful, hilarious, who will want to look after you, cook for you, do your washing, make sure you have everything you need. Also I am pretty proficient in the art of car so that has to count as some points on my side right?
I live every day for that moment that is coming in the future where someone I love tells me they love me too, its going to be my fairytale moment. That's exciting. I have always lived by the thought that when its right, it will be right and all those little issues will just disappear. I have felt it before, it may not have been forever then but I believe that my forever is coming.
Love and Lonewolfing