I have been sitting here today in quiet reflection and it has occurred to me that I am not very subtle. In anything really. I have a big personality, I am loud and in your face and if I have a crush on someone, generally the whole world knows about it. That's just the way that it has always been and that's fine, but what the world doesn't know is all the crazy things that happen behind the scenes of having a crush. I thought it was time that the world knew... just so the rest of you crazies don't feel alone.
You think about what kind of children you would have, or actually if they want kids at all. They could be tall and tattooed and totally bad arse. If only you had the opportunity to procreate. Oh why cant we procreate? It would be magnificent.
You look over interactions constantly. They said this, that must mean that they secretly love me, they are just shy. That's OK, I am just the thing that they need to make them come out of their shell.
You start to find interest in the things that they like "Oh you like to listen to obscure 1930's Swedish punk music whilst rollerskating? I thought I was the only one"
You start using words they use, like Grool and that's Grool (its a mix of great and cool, in case you didn't know). Don't they say that imitation is the highest form of flattery?
You sometimes blatantly ignore them. Oh they are sitting right behind me and have come over to talk to me? Well isn't it convenient that I just have to go and get a drink at this exact moment. Its not you, its me. But I still like you, honest.
You cant look at their photos, because that just makes all those squishy feelings too much to deal with. They all come bubbling up to the surface and threaten to explode. So its best just not to look. For everyones sake.
You want to like everything that they have ever posted since the beginning of eternity because they are so smart and interesting and witty, but instead you silently stalk their profiles without touching anything because you want to try to hide this one from the world. But in your head you are liking it, then unliking it, just so you can like it again.
You have a mapped out conversation in your head before you talk to them. "Oh, so you like pie? I like pie! what kind of pie do you like? Why are we talking about pie"
You find reasons to contact them, one time 7 years ago, they posted on Facebook saying that they were looking for an ancient turtle egg and you just happened to find one of Ebay (not that you went looking for it, you just happened to stumble upon it while looking for something else) so you need to let them to know.
You Secretly write your new signature in the steam of the shower screen glass. You know, just so you can practice for the certain upcoming nuptials. Its like the perfect crime, one sweep of your hand and all evidence is gone. Perfect. A "K" flows best into an "S" or a "B", or really anything that I can make curvy.
You mention them to other people but in a round about way that is really subtle so people don't realise that inside you are all gooey for them. But really they know and you aren't fooling anyone. Its just nice to live in that fantasy land thinking that you are fooling people isn't it?
You don't want to have to contact them all the time and seem to keen so you send telepathic messages and Jedi Mind Tricks out in the universe to get them to contact you and then when they do you do a little smiling jump hop because they are so in tuned to you. If that doesn't show a couple that should be, what does?
You hate every girl that they interact with. Who is this slut? Are they banging? I bet she has a wizard sleeve vagina. Its totally inconceivable that they could just be friends... you have a sixth sense about these things. You are part Jedi after all (please see previous point)
You put in that little bit of an extra effort when there is even an outside chance that you might run into them. These kind of occasions call for a slathering of slap and a drag of the hair brush. You have the next 60 years to show him how unattractive you actually are so may as well trick him while you can.
You store little tid bits of information about them. Its kinda like you have a photographic memory for the information bread crumbs they are willing to give you. Its not creepy, its just taking an interest in who they are as a person and what makes them tick.
You know that he is coming to a party that you are having so your stalk his Spotify to find his favourite songs and then casually add them to your play list so he thinks you like them as well. He just needs to see how much you both have in common and then it will be on. Oh, How it will be on!**
I actually hate having those little sparkly crush feelings towards someone. It really is legit the worst. Sure its nice sometimes when you can day dream and be inside that love bubble but rationally that's not a long term viable option. Having a crush on someone generally means constant self doubt and over thinking. Maybe as I've gotten older Ive stopped looking at love with rose coloured glasses on. And you know the worst thing about feelings, you can like anyone you want, but so can they.
Love and Lusting After
** this one wasn't actually me, it was a fan submission and it may be the best thing that I have ever heard. That is next level stalking that the likes of my mind could not comprehend. I might have to get her to teach me the ways of her people. It could come in handy in the future.