I have been wandering this earth for a while and in that time I think I have picked up some things. Here are some things that I have learnt that you might find helpful to know...
- They will only sell freenut butter (nut free peanut butter... cause that's a thing) in the Nut shop at your local supermarket so you will have to stand outside like a Teenager at the bottle shop asking someone to buy it for you,
- No matter how much you wish they would, a leopard never changes it spots. Its OK to move on...
- You will sleep better on fresh sheet night, because there is nothing better in the world than that tight tucked, fresh sheet feeling
- You are the most important person in your existence, You need to look after you and be happy with you before you can ever possibly be happy around anyone else. That isn't selfishness, that is necessity
- When you finally get up the courage to poop in a public toilet, the lady will come in to clean it while you are mid business. Sorry is pretty much the only thing you can say in these circumstances... sorry or maybe the awkward cough to announce your presence.
- Your friends are your friends for a reason, listen to what they have to say, even if you don't like it and even if you don't choose to take their advice straight away. They have your back, otherwise why would they be around?
- If you have a combined toilet / laundry / bathroom, always ALWAYS close the lid on the toilet. Not to protect you from the toilet germs and poo particles but because stuff will fall in there. Probably stuff that you want that you will have to go fishing out.
- The worst public toilets will always be visited after leg day. You will have two options 1. get all manner of aids and STDs from sitting on the toilet seat or 2. live the nightmare that is doing the hover with the incredible burning pain in your trembling thighs.
- Some things in life just wont work, it doesn't matter how much time and effort you put into it, it just was never meant to be. And that's OK, take the lessons you have learnt and move forward.
- The tram will never run on time, use the toilet before you leave work. Doing the odd trot down the road while keeping your legs closed so you don't wet yourself is never a good look.
- You should never apologise for your feelings, if its gotten to that stage, apologising wont make any difference, it will just make you feel shit about yourself .
- Drinking around adults and ordering adult things (like entrees and wine) will make you feel like you are a pretend adult no matter how old you get. I shouldn't be ordering wine, olives and panacotta, I am just a child, it was only yesterday that you had to wipe my bum.
- Its not always your fault (but hey you aren't totally an angel here either) so don't let anyone convince you otherwise. It doesn't matter how much of a cunt you are, it always takes two to tango.
- Those eye-liner and make-up tutorials are lies. You cant do it at home and its not that easy. So basically the Internet is full of lies and deception.
- Men will always pay you more attention when you haven't shaved your legs or washed your hair in a few days.... if ever there is a reason to let yourself lapse, there it is
Yeah, I think that is a pretty good start. All these lessons have been hard learnt and your life is really put into perspective when you are up to your elbow in toilet water. And yes I know that it appears that most of my life lessons are learnt in the act of bodily functions but as they say, it doesn't matter how you get there, as long as you get there in the end. Here is also another solid gem of advice, the internet told my that Kayne Loves Himself West said it (apparently) and while he is a douche canoe he may be on to something here "Someone will always be smarter, someone will always be prettier and someone will always be richer, but no one will ever be you."
Just a thought anyway
Love and Learning