Its come to light that I have lived my whole adult fellating life as a lie. I used to secretly (or not so) commend myself in the art of the gobbie. I was modest about it though, like I knew I probably wasn't the best in the world but I was still pretty great and I thought that it was my one marketable transferable skill. That was until two weeks ago when an event happened that changed the course of history.
So there was this guy see, a guy I have had my eye on for a while and shits been building between us, you could call it tension I guess, well finally the big moment had arrived. We disrobed and there was some of that amazing kissing (you know the kind, when your whole body leans into it and he has his hand holding your head. Romance novel type shit) and I'm not going to lie I was excited to acquaint myself to his smaller self (in no way am I meaning it was small, it was in proportion and attractive - as far as penis' go that it), and maybe I was a bit enthusiastic but still what happened next was out of the blue. For the first time in my life a guy pulled away from me and told me stop. Queue that sad soul destroying back ground music because at that moment that was the sound track to my life. Here was me thinking that I was good at something that in reality I had no idea about.
Whilst nursing the heart ache and disappointment I went out to the masses in the context of #science to get to the bottom of my down fall and to find out how to better myself to better please the next suitor who may come along. So ladies, if you are like me and seemingly clueless in the art of fellatio please take these 10 commandments into consideration
Thou Shalt engage in eye contact.
Thou Shalt not forget to involve the testicles - a testicles best friend is the tongue
Thou Shalt not use teeth - on any occasion no matter how lightly.
Thou Shalt only apply adequate pressure for his pleasure. The appearance of a "*dickey" is frowned upon
Thou shalt show adequate and true enthusiasm to the task in hand
Thou shalt take a two handed approach to the activity, one for support and one for stimulation (or both for stimulation if that is to your fancy)
Thou shalt continue and not stop when he remarks that you are doing a good job. Use his moans and whimpers to propel you forward
Thou shalt swallow, graciously and thankfully. If it becomes difficult, use a mentos
Thou shalt keep it adequately lubricated at all times. Spit and Slobber are only occasionally recommended unless the gentleman in question appears to enjoy that sort of thing
Thou shalt add variety and spontaneity
It could be possible that in fact I am actually doing a good job and this guy was an anomaly but my mate Steve had this reflection on a similar situation "Worst head i have ever got had been off the most promiscuous, porn-watching women. Who all thought they were shit hot and they were utterly terrible. Dudes who haven't had their dick sucked by many women probably told them their voracious attempts were awesome and they've ran with a flawed formula. Bottom line; you're probably way worse at them than you think" not that I am saying that I am highly promiscuous and a porn fiend but it is some fuel for thought. So there it is, I have spent my life giving blow jobs to guys that had the opinion that no matter how bad it is, its still pretty good. Well all except for that last unicorn but I accepted that I may never unlock his secrets...
Finally I would like to apologise to all the men who have had to endure the torturous experience of being in my mouth, now I understand why you never called.
Love and Lessons
* Dickey - a hickey but on your dick